Animal Jokes

King Kong Joke 1 After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. “That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still […]

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its […]

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the horses stumbled, he said, “That’s once.” Then it stumbled again. He said, “That’s twice.” Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn’t say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and […]

Also checkout Funny Cat Videos Cat Joke 1 For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: – Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. – No matter […]

A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?” “Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?” “Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head. “Yech!” says the woman. “Get some toilet paper.” “What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now.”

Dog Joke 1 A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said “Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy.” The man replied “Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure […]

A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Don’t touch the purple monkey up in room 222.” The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey. The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started […]

Ant Joke 1 Why don’t anteaters get sick ? Because they are full of antibodies! Ant Joke 2 Why did the ant-elope ? Nobody gnu ! Ant Joke 3 Who is the most famous French ant ? Napoleant ! Ant Joke 4 What do you call an and with frogs legs ? An antphibian ! […]

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?” The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes.” “I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theater.” The old farmer went around the corner […]

A bear and a rabbit was in the woods pooping the bear looks over at the rabbit and says excue me you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?? the rabbit says no why? and the bear picked him up and whipped his butt with him. bear and the rabbit joket Submitted by anon

Q: What do you do to an elephant with three balls? A: Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros!

Dinosaur Joke 1 Q: Why doesn’t the dinosaur cross the road anymore? A: Because their eggs stink. (They re extinct) Dinosaur Joke 2 Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks! Dinosaur Joke 3 Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? A: Down in the mouth! […]

A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself […]

A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “You shouldn’t be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal.” The pirate says, “Arr, it’s ok, he’s had his shots.” Then the bartender says, “I was talking to the parrot!”

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It had Akinetic Mutism.

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?” “My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I've just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That's […]

A frog walks into a bank and asks the teller, “Who do I talk to about getting a loan?” The teller shows him to the office of the loans manager, Ms. Patricia Black. “I would like a loan for $20.00 to buy a new lily pad,” the frog tells her. “Do you have any collateral?” […]

Frog Joke 1 A librarian was quietly working when three chickens walked in and jumped on to the counter eyed her and said “BUK BUK BUK” Not sure she was sane she gave the chikens three books and they left. An hour later in walked the chickens again jumped onto the counter, returned the books […]

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” says the mother mouse to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk. The cat starts to stumble home, and when he came to the train tracks, he didn’t notice […]

Insect Joke 1 What goes hum-choo, hum choo? A bee with a cold ! Insect Joke 2 What is a bee’s favourite classical music composer ? Bee-thoven ! Insect Joke 3 What does a queen bee do when she burps ? Issues a royal pardon ! Insect Joke 4 Where would you put an injured […]

What's dangerous and swings from trees? A monkey with a chainsaw!

Pig Joke 1 Why did the pig go to the casino ? To play the slop machine ! Pig Joke 2 What do you call a pig with three eyes? …A piiig Pig Joke 3 A city child came running into the farmhouse. “No wonder that mama pig is so big,” she yelled. “There’s a […]

Bird Joke 1 A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot “Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn […]

Mouse Joke 1 One lab mouse to another: I’ve trained that crazy human at last. How have you done that? I don’t know how, but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell, he gives me a piece of cheese. Mouse Joke 2 What do mice do when they re at home […]

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgot his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time. He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. “Excuse me, sir,” says the young man “Do you […]

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left it.

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer’s […]

How do you catch a polar bear? First dig an ice hole. Then put a whole bunch of little green peas on the outside, and when the polar bear comes to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.