Bar Jokes

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering out a local bar, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with […]

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. “Owch!” the Chinese man says. “What was that for?” “That was for Pearl Harbor,” the Jewish man says. “But I’m Chinese!” “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?” And the […]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, “See […]

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve’s wife. Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, […]

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I want a bourbon and ……………. coke” The bartender asks “what’s with the huge pause?” The bear says, “I’ve had them all my life.”

There’s a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of ‘Budweiser’ orders a Bud, the president of ‘Miller’ orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. […]

A man walks into a pub and says, “Give me three pints of Guinness, please.” So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, […]

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.” So the bartender said, “Well, would you like a cigarette?” But the man […]

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn’t allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the […]

Helga was hang the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. ”Gootness, iss hot,” she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, ”Vy nought?” So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar. […]

Bar Joke 1 A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, I m Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, I m Jesus Christ. So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, Bar Joke 2 There were these […]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one […]

A man, his son, and a dog walk into a bar. “Ow!” “Ow!” “Woof!”

“Bartender, gimme ‘nother drink, says a very drunk man. “Sorry sir,” replies the bartender. “I have to cut you off.” “Just gimme another drink.” “O.K. I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll give you another drink and call you a cab. When the cab comes, regardless of whether you’re done or not you have to […]

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower – Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.” Jed says, “OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.” Two hours later, he comes back […]

A guy runs into a bar and says, “Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!” So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch Whiskey and watches this guy down one after the other. “Man,” the bartender says, “I’ve never seen anyone drink shots that fast!” “You’d drink them that […]

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells “Give me a Budweiser, or…!” Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand […]

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing “Tuff Enuff” by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. “That IS amazing!” says the bartender and gives the guy […]

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “A beer and a mop.”

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went to a bar. The men at the bar wanted to know what he would like in a woman. He pointed to his head. His friend explained that he wanted a smart woman. Then, he rubbed his thumb on the palm of his hand. His […]

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, “Hey you look just like me!” The other man agrees and asks, “Where are you from?” The first guy answers, “Chicago.” “Me too!” says the second guy, […]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.” The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking […]

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. “Hello there,” says the man, “and what is your name?” “Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey. What’s yours?” “I’m Jim.” “Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??” “Sure!” replies […]

Three guys are sitting in a bar when the first guy says, “My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have an automatic garage door.” The second guy says, “My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she […]

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?” “I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.” “I did alright,” the drunk says with […]

Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn’t […]

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ”Hey, Dave! How ya doin?” His wife […]

A dumb blonde Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. “Look,” he said, “let’s have a little game. I’ll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I’ll buy you a drink. If you can’t […]

A man, his son, and a dog walk into a bar. “Ow!” “Ow!” “Woof!”