Christmas Jokes

T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear The old […]

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies, Air defences were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds, As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads. Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube, Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube, And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so […]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother this Christmas.” The second said, “For Christmas I sent her a Mercedes.” The third smiled and […]

Christmas Joke 1 What do monkeys sing at Christmas ? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. ! Christmas Joke 2 Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles ! Christmas Joke 3 What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I ll never part with […]

Christmas Cracker Joke 1 A Man goes to see his Doctor and says: “Doctor I have a lettuce stuck in my bottom.” The Doctors takes a look and replies: “That’s only the tip of the iceberg.” Christmas Cracker Joke 2 A Man goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up […]

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays to celebrate. Here”s just a few of our favorites… Seasonal Affective Disorder Day: January 2 With Christmas and New Years a thing of the past, now it”s time to celebrate the long, cold, gray winter months that loom ahead. The Day the Music Died Day: February 3 […]

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting– even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks […]

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies, Air defences were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds, As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads. Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube, Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube, And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so […]

Snowman Joke 1 What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman? Have an ice day! Snowman Joke 2 What do you get if you cross King Kong with a snowman? Frostbite. Snowman Joke 3 Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib? A: A snowmobile! Snowman Joke 4 What […]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor a few weeks before Christmas. She gets into the tattooists chair and tells the tattoo artist, “I want two Christmas tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other.” The tattoo artist begins his work, […]

A few days after Christmas, my six year son and I were talking. He asked, “Mom, is there a Santa Claus?” “Well, what do you think?” I asked him. He replied, “Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper.” He thought for a […]

Christmas was finally over and the Pastor’s wife dropped into an easy chair saying, “Boy! Am I ever tried.” Her husband looked over at her and said, “I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?” “Dear,” she replied, “I had […]

Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner – so she went looking for it.

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was […]

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old caroling favorites: – Good tidings we bring to you and your kid – Come, froggy faithful – You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require” – Sleep in heavenly peas – Frosty the Snowman is a […]

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot’s him.

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: Funny Christmas Carol 1 Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly Funny Christmas Carol 2 He’s makin’ a list, chicken and rice. Funny Christmas Carol 3 Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire. […]

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist! What do you call […]

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk. “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian.”

Dec 25 My dearest darling Edward, What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving, Emily Dec. 26 Beloved Edward, The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as […]

One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given the children for Christmas. The next Christmas things were a little different, however. “The children came over in person to thank […]

Buy me a beer if you want the story told of why I moved down South from the frost and cold. Why I'm knee deep in therapy, liquor, and pills. Why I've given up charity in lieu of cheap thrills. Why I loathe mistletoe, fruitcake and bells –And why I'll celebrate Xmas when it freezes […]