Doctor Jokes

What’s the difference between a physician and a psychiatrist? One asks you to open and say, “Ah.” The other asks you to open and say, “Aww.” What’s the difference between a physician and a psychiatrist? Submitted by Scott Talbot Evans

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!” The plumber waited for him to finish and […]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’ The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.’ The third surgeon says, ‘No, I […]

Q: What''s the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist? A: One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.

Funny Medical Chart Notes 1 Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. Funny Medical Chart Notes 2 Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. Funny Medical Chart Notes 3 Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. Funny Medical Chart Notes 4 On the second day, the […]

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Dentist Joke 1 A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn’t all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and […]

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. “What’s the matter?” he was asked. He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.” “She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?” “She […]

The old family physician of a small town being away on vacation, entrusted his practice to his son – a recent medical student. When the old doctor returned, the young doctor told him amongst other things, that he cured Miss Jones, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic wind. “My boy,” said the old […]

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when […]

Jane calls the doctor in a panic. “Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?” The doctor asked Jane, “Are you sure it was a dozen?” The frantic mother says, “Absolutely! Doctor, I’m scared to death!” The doctor tells the mother, “Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?” Jane says “No.” […]

Doctor And Nurse Joke 1 A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. “What took you […]

A guy walks into a dentist’s office and flops right down on the couch. “Doc”, he says, “Here’s the problem. I think I’m a moth” “Well”, says the doctor, “That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist’s office?” “The light was on.”

A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, “What seems to be the problem?” The patient answers, “Doctor, Doctor You have to promise not to laugh.” The doctors said fine, and the patient pulls down his pants and the doctor tried not […]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?” The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I […]

The first set of many Doctor Doctor jokes. Doctor Doctor Jokes 1 Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone. Are you choking? No, I really did! Doctor Doctor Jokes 2 Doctor Doctor I think I’m a moth. So why did you come around then? Well, I saw this light at the window…! Doctor Doctor Jokes 3 […]

A man went to see his doctor. “You need to stop masturbating,” the doctor said. The man asked, “Why?” The doctor replied, “Because I'm trying to examine you!”

The fourth part in the free funny Doctor Doctor jokes collection. Funny Doctor Doctor Jokes 1 Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a bell? Take these and if it doesn’t help give me a ring! Funny Doctor Doctor Jokes 2 Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don’t talk rubbish! Funny Doctor Doctor Jokes […]

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker tonight” said the friend. “I’ll be right over” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious dear?” “Oh yes, quite serious” […]

The third collection of free funny Doctor Doctor jokes. Hilarious Doctor Doctor Jokes 1 Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil till I get there Hilarious Doctor Doctor Jokes 2 Doctor these pills you gave me for BO… What’s wrong with them? They keep slipping out from […]

A woman and a baby come into the doctor’s office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, “Is he breast fed or on the bottle?” “Oh…he is breast fed!”, replied the […]