If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how […]
How can you tell if there is an Emo kid locked in your garage? Because you can hear your car engine running and you can’t find your water hose! Emo in a garage joke Submitted by kabogga
One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect vehicle crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, “Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We […]
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a […]
50 Best Joke 1 Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. 50 Best Joke 2 The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from […]
An English patient was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he […]
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.” From out in the audience a man shouts, “You lying bastard!” “Silence in the court!” the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy […]
The British Military writes OFR’s (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people’s “206’s”…. – His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. – I would not breed from this Officer. – This Officer is really […]
What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it drops out of a tree, it’ll kill you? A pool table.
A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened. He said, ”I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang… So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…” ”But how the heck did you burn the other ear?” The doctor asked. ”They […]
One day Mickey Mouse woke up and Minnie wasn’t there. He went to look for her and, as he stepped outside, he saw “Mickey Sucks!” written out in a yellow liquid in the snow. He investigated and realized there was good news and bad news. It appeared to be Goofy’s urine, but Minnie’s handwriting.
Men Joke 1 A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the […]
A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, “Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?” The […]
Whats the difference between an Emo and a puppy? The puppy stops whining once it gets to the park. Whats the difference between an emo and a tennis ball? The tennis ball bounces if you throw it off of a tall building. Why did the man bury the emo kids alive? Because he had heard […]
The auto part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location of the car.
A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world’s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to […]
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock — it’s half-past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer […]
A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. ”May we see the new baby?” one asked. “Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.” Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative […]
A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks. The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going […]
Q: What’s the hardest thing about rollerblading? A: Telling your parents you’re gay.
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, “Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my […]
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, “I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order”. The second surgeon said, “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order”. The third surgeon said, “I […]
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!” The cop asked, “What’s he like?” The little boy replied, “Beer and women with big boobs.”
MAN: I’d like to buy some dog food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he? MAN: He’s at home. CHECKOUT LADY: I’m sorry, I can’t sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy. The next day, the man returns. MAN: I’d like to […]
There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, […]
Turning 40 Joke 01 “Doctor, I got heartburn when I ate my 40th birthday cake.” Next time, take off the candles.” Turning 40 Joke 02 “I guess I didn’t get my 40th birthday wish.” “How do you know?” “You’re still here!” Turning 40 Joke 03 “I’m giving a ‘surprised’ 40th birthday party for you.” “A […]
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Billy’s homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive […]
A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself. Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing […]