Over 130 work safe funny monster jokes and monster puns to annoy your friends and family with! Funny Monster Jokes Funny Monster Joke 11st Monster: What is that son of yours doing these days?2nd Monster: He’s at medical school.1st Monster: Oh, What’s he studying?2nd Monster: Nothing, they’re studying him! Funny Monster Joke 2A very tall […]
A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, “This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.” A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, “When did that happen?” “1215,” answers the guide. The man looks at his watch and says, […]
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest senator and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course; the other three don’t exist.
Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache […]
The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as […]
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
Children Joke 1 A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: “What does the cow say?” Child: “Moo!” Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?” Child: “Meow.” Mother: “Oh, you re so smart! What does the frog say?” And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her […]
How many old time gangsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? We ain’t sayin’ nuthin’, see?
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, “What […]
Jimmy’s mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football game. “Talk to your son,” she said. “He refuses to obey a word I say.” The father turned to Jimmy angrily. “Jimmy, how dare you disobey your mother. Do you think you’re better than your old man?”
A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, please stand up.” Right away, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Why do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “I don’t, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all […]
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.” The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, […]
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. “Why?” asks the father. “The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ and I said ‘6’” “But that’s right!” “Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?’” “What’s the blankety-blank difference?” “That’s exactly what I said!”
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, “You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?” “Yes,” I replied, “That is a good analogy.” […]
A grandma and her grandson were waliking in the park. The grandson spotted a coin and wanted to pick it up, but his grandma told him not to pick stuff up from the ground. The next day, they went walking in the park. The grandma fell down and said “dear grandson may you please help […]
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, “What did you learn today?” The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, “Mummy, why is my name Petal?” The mother replied, “Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head.” The next baby walked up and asked, “Mummy why is my name Rose?” she […]
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa’s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “He sure did honey, a long […]
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?” The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.” […]
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash […]
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked. The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb […]
Why did the hearing aid saleman give it up for a life of piracy? Because he only made a good buccaneer.
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words ‘defeat,’ ‘deduct,’ ‘defense,’ and ‘detail.’ Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply: ”Defeat of deduct went […]
Parent Joke 1 Murphy said to his daughter, “I want you home by eleven o clock.” She said, “But Father, I m no longer a child!” He said, “I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.” Parent Joke 2 With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, […]
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant. “It’s in case I get shot. I don’t want you crew members to see blood and […]
Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best. “My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands.” “My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of […]
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, “What you think?” The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, “Well, Tonto, it’s like this, God gives us miracles in life. Each […]
A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, “You don’t feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?”
In class when students say to me, “Are you Serious?” My reply is, “Yes… like the brightest star in the night-time sky, I am Sirius!”