Lawyer Jokes

– The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other. – During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. – He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.” – He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.” – During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. […]

Two drug dealers were brought before a judge on drug charges. The judge said, “If, over the weekend, you persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you off.” On Monday they returned to the court. The first man announced, “I convinced ten people to give up drugs.” “Well done,” said the Judge. “And […]

Q. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A. One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish! Q. What is the difference between a bearded lawyer and a catfish? A. One’s slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

Criminal Joke 1 Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was […]

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall […]

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, “I dont recognize this court!” “Why?” asked the Judge. “Because you’ve had it decorated since the last time I was here.”

Lawyer Joke 1 A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. “Which side is it best to lie on?” she asked. “The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor. Lawyer Joke 2 A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense’s […]

Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A: A lobotomy.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? A: Your honor.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he […]

Three Doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.” Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.” Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.”

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked, “What is 2+2?” The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, “4” Then the mathematician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, “4.0” Then the lawyer was called […]

“I have good news and bad news,” the defense lawyer says to his client. ”What’s the bad news?” The lawyer says, “Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.” “Dammit!” cries the client. “What’s the good news?” “Well,” the lawyer says, “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?” “It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?” “That’s my business! […]

What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One’s a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, “Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. “The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. “In order to make […]

Funny Law 1 Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Funny Law 2 Bell’s Theorem: As soon as the body is immersed fully in the bathtub, the telephone will ring. Funny Law 3 Breda’s Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the […]

Lawyers get a lot of unjust criticism. I would remind you that it is not right to condemn a whole profession just because of 350,000 bad apples.

Q: How many US Attorney Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: I cannot recall that particular answer at this time.

What’s wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else seems to think that they’re jokes.

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge’s chambers, demanding that the case to be reopened, the lawyer argued: “I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client’s defense.” Judge: “What new evidence could you have?” Lawyer: “My client has an extra $10,000 […]

Judge Joke 1 The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, “So how do you plead?” “Not guilty” said the second defendant. “I wasn’t talking to you” the judge replied. “I never said a word” the third defendant replied. Judge Joke 2 The defendant stood […]

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The […]

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet. The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with […]

Tax day — April 15 — was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. “Why so many?” the clerk asked. “My son is stationed overseas,” she said. “He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base.” “You shouldn’t […]

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Sure do,” replied the bartender. “Good,” said the customer, “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my gator.”