Marriage Jokes

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.” A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. “Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks. He replies, “They had avocados.” Correct Grammar […]

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty, four wheel drive vehicles.” “She did,” he replied. “But where am I going to find an imitation Jeep?”

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to […]

A husband and wife are watching “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,” and the husband winks and says, “Honey, let’s go upstairs…” The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no. So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?” The wife says yes. The husband says, “Well, can I phone […]

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side. She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, “Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest.” “But honey,” she whispered, “I need to make a confession before I die… I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father.” “Don't […]

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he […]

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: “Hello? Oh, […]

An elderly married couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles […]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his […]

Marriage Joke 1 A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. What’s up? he says. I m having a heart attack, cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as […]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. […]

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife. “See if they fit.” “They don’t.” “Now you see who will wear the pants in this house.” She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on. […]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling […]

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to […]

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the masked Halloween party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there […]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!” “It's not just one car,” said Herman, “It's hundreds of them!”

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: “Hello” WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” MAN: “Yes.” WOMAN: “I’m at the […]

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the horses stumbled, he said, “That’s once.” Then it stumbled again. He said, “That’s twice.” Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn’t say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and […]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” sighs the husband, “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right […]

Divorce Joke 1 A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” […]

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and […]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A man wants to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says, “Put ‘You’re not getting older,’ at the top and ‘You’re getting better’ at the […]

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son’s choice and couldn’t wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why don’t you […]

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more […]

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, “Stop making love down there!” “What's the matter with you?” the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '”We weren't making love.” “Sorry,” said the sailor, “From […]

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any chance of contact, which could happen pretty easily, since he had been desperate for quite a while. Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees the poor guy curled up […]

A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is. “My life is awful,” the man says. “Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me.” “Well, why don’t you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?” the bartender asks. “I love the game,” the […]

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, […]

A teacher asks her class, “If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny. “None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.” The teacher replies, “The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny […]