100 Funny Quotes
Funny Quote 01
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Funny Quote 02
A dream catcher works, if your dream is to be gay – Demetri Martin
Funny Quote 03
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Funny Quote 04
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles.
Funny Quote 05
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Funny Quote 06
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry – Bill Cosby
Funny Quote 07
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Funny Quote 08
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson
Funny Quote 09
Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.
Funny Quote 10
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. – Jerry Garcia
Funny Quote 11
Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life – Dorothy Parker
Funny Quote 12
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
Funny Quote 13
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Funny Quote 14
Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal – Demetri Martin
Funny Quote 15
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
Funny Quote 16
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.
Funny Quote 17
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.
Funny Quote 18
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
Funny Quote 19
Fragile. Do not drop. — Posted on a Boeing 757
Funny Quote 20
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Funny Quote 21
Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!
Funny Quote 22
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!
Funny Quote 23
Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
Funny Quote 24
He who laughs last didn’t get it.
Funny Quote 25
He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. – Paddy O’Dea
Funny Quote 26
How do you get a Kleenex to dance? Put a little boogy in it!
Funny Quote 27
How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?
Funny Quote 28
Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone – Dave Letterman
Funny Quote 29
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Funny Quote 30
I could have eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
Funny Quote 31
I have opinions of my own — strong opinions — but I don’t always agree with them. – George Bush
Funny Quote 32
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Funny Quote 33
I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie – Sting
Funny Quote 34
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married – Drew Carey
Funny Quote 35
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack – Demetri Martin
Funny Quote 36
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Funny Quote 37
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman
Funny Quote 38
Ideas don’t stay in some minds very long because they don’t like solitary confinement.
Funny Quote 39
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Funny Quote 40
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Funny Quote 41
If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment – Dave Allen
Funny Quote 42
If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.
Funny Quote 43
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Funny Quote 44
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.
Funny Quote 45
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Funny Quote 46
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. – Al Bundy
Funny Quote 47
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Funny Quote 48
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
Funny Quote 49
It’s 11PM, do you know where your pants are?
Funny Quote 50
It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
Funny Quote 51
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Funny Quote 52
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
Funny Quote 53
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams
Funny Quote 54
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.
Funny Quote 55
Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying – Rita Rudner
Funny Quote 56
Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
Funny Quote 57
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. – Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)
Funny Quote 58
Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
Funny Quote 59
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
Funny Quote 60
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Funny Quote 61
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Funny Quote 62
Note – The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
Funny Quote 63
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. -George W. Bush
Funny Quote 64
Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
Funny Quote 65
Sex is a two-way treat – Franklin P Jones
Funny Quote 66
Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature – Marilyn Monroe
Funny Quote 67
Sex is the best high. It’s better than any drug. I want to die making love because it feels so good – Bai Ling
Funny Quote 68
Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to management is knowing which mules are which.
Funny Quote 69
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson
Funny Quote 70
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Funny Quote 71
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Funny Quote 72
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch
Funny Quote 73
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
Funny Quote 74
The road to success is always under construction.
Funny Quote 75
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Funny Quote 76
There are three sides of an argument — your side, my side and the right side.
Funny Quote 77
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Funny Quote 78
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Funny Quote 79
This is a quantum car. I don’t know where I am, but I’m going really fast.
Funny Quote 80
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils … – Louis Hector Berlioz
Funny Quote 81
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Funny Quote 82
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’
Funny Quote 83
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
Funny Quote 84
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.
Funny Quote 85
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Funny Quote 86
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Funny Quote 87
What you call dog with no legs? Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.
Funny Quote 88
Whatever it is — I didn’t do it!
Funny Quote 89
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Funny Quote 90
When I came here, I couldn’t speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish – Julio Iglesias
Funny Quote 91
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Funny Quote 92
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Funny Quote 93
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein
Funny Quote 94
Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I’m a locksmith. And… I’m a locksmith…
Funny Quote 95
Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it really is ‘after light’?
Funny Quote 96
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from.
Funny Quote 97
You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark ?
Funny Quote 98
You laugh because I’m different……….. I laugh cause I just farted!
Funny Quote 99
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’. -Homer Simpson
Funny Quote 100
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! – Drew Carey