50 Best Joke 1
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
50 Best Joke 2
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. “Private,” the officer said, “I m recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.” “Warehouses?” the private shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”
50 Best Joke 3
I was married 3 times explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, “and I ll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.” “That’s a shame.” said his friend , “How did it happen?” “She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms!”
50 Best Joke 4
What’s the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
50 Best Joke 5
What did the egg say to the boiling water? “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”
50 Best Joke 6
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, “Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he’s only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.”
50 Best Joke 7
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray “God, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto”. Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. “God, please let me win the lotto, I’ve lost my business, my house and I m going to lose my car as well”. Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the synagogue. “My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won’t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???”. Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: “JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET”
50 Best Joke 8
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.” “Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.” “No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”
50 Best Joke 9
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I ll go up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Israeli. “I ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I ll have one too.” Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoe’s and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our peoples….. this hatred… this animosity… this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
50 Best Joke 10
Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? Because their daddies were mummies.
50 Best Joke 11
YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.
50 Best Joke 12
A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride’s side and the groom’s side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said, “I was being the ring bear.”
50 Best Joke 13
A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office. The husband said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.” “You re a brave man,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.” The husband turns to his wife and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
50 Best Joke 14
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?” “That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
50 Best Joke 15
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. “Which side is it best to lie on?” she asked. “The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.
50 Best Joke 16
Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says “Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.” The photographer went first. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. The journalist went next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the editor’s turn. “And what would your wish be?” asked the genie. “I want them both back after lunch” replied the editor, “the deadline for tomorrow’s newspaper is in about ten hours.
50 Best Joke 17
Why do women have smaller feet than men? – It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
50 Best Joke 18
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? – She starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”
50 Best Joke 19
Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there’s lots of school spirit!
50 Best Joke 20
What did the really ugly man do for a living? He posed for Halloween masks.
50 Best Joke 21
Q: Why doesn’t the dinosaur cross the road anymore? A: Because their eggs stink. (They re extinct)
50 Best Joke 22
Why couldn’t the alligator send e-mails on his PC? Because it was on old croc.
50 Best Joke 23
Mommy, all the kids at school say I”m a werewolf! Is that true? “No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face.”
50 Best Joke 24
Yo Momma is so ugly that she scares blind people!!!!
50 Best Joke 25
Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead and one’s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! Suddenly the brunette yells, EARTHQUAKE!!!
50 Best Joke 26
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
50 Best Joke 27
Do vampires get AIDS?
50 Best Joke 28
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
50 Best Joke 29
Q. What does a woman’s asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!
50 Best Joke 30
A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. “A police car has just called at the Hamiltons house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell’s are having sex.” Hearing this, the boy’s parents shot bolt upright. “How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?” “Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.”
50 Best Joke 31
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail? A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
50 Best Joke 32
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “God Almighty!” shouted Mary, and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior,” but Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary, and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn th ing in me one more time, I ll break it in half!”
50 Best Joke 33
This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla’s cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means “F**k you!” in gorilla language. The explanation didn’t make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla’s cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
50 Best Joke 34
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, I m Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, I m Jesus Christ. So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies,
50 Best Joke 35
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin , where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”. The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
50 Best Joke 36
What do monkeys sing at Christmas ? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !
50 Best Joke 37
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”
50 Best Joke 38
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everyth ing you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.” “My darling,” he replied,” think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
50 Best Joke 39
Q: Why don’t blind people skydive? A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
50 Best Joke 40
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!” The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”
50 Best Joke 41
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, “Watson, look up. What do you see? “Well, I see thousands of stars.” “And what does that mean to you?” “Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?” “To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.”
50 Best Joke 42
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ” We re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive” The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
50 Best Joke 43
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. “You’ve got to help me! There’s a giant gray thing in my yard, and it’s pulling apples off the tree with its tail!” “What’s he doing with the apples?” the sergeant asked. “If I told you,” the woman cried, “you wouldn’t believe me!”
50 Best Joke 44
After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!
50 Best Joke 45
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.” Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything. She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?” He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”
50 Best Joke 46
Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant’s toes? A: Slow clowns.
50 Best Joke 47
Why do you need a driver’s licence to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
50 Best Joke 48
Does killing time damage eternity?
50 Best Joke 49
Will I ever be able to race my horse again the owner asked the vet. The vet replied, “You certainly will, and you ll probably beat her too!”
50 Best Joke 50
Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat? Mom ! I see an angel.