Articles by Funny Joker

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won’t be able to go to work. Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ”Are you really going to let him get away with this?” ”No, […]

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time […]

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, “George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” Washington advises, and then fades away… The next […]

T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear The old […]

Hunting Joke 1 An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break […]

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall […]

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a […]

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side. She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, “Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest.” “But honey,” she whispered, “I need to make a confession before I die… I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father.” “Don't […]

How is a soy-burger like a dildo? They’re both substitutes for meat.

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he […]

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as […]

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when it suddenly stepped on a thorn, wedging it between its toes. Being in too much pain to continue, the elephant lay down and began to cry. Shortly after, an ant came across the elephant and asked why she was crying. “I have a thorn in […]

This dumb blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along. The guy asks, ”What are you carrying?” ”Melons,” the dumb blonde replies. ”Cool,” the guy says. “If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?” The dumb blonde giggles and says, ”If you can […]

A man went over to his girl’s place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom — gold, silver, or bronze. “Silver,” she said. “Why not gold?” “Because I want you to come second for once!”

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, “St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with […]

Funny Medical Chart Notes 1 Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. Funny Medical Chart Notes 2 Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. Funny Medical Chart Notes 3 Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. Funny Medical Chart Notes 4 On the second day, the […]

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: “Hello? Oh, […]

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. “Owch!” the Chinese man says. “What was that for?” “That was for Pearl Harbor,” the Jewish man says. “But I’m Chinese!” “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?” And the […]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. […]

My husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that would match the color of his eyes. Does anyone know where I can buy a bloodshot tie?

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?” “Ten,” she replied. “What are their names?” he asked. “David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered. “They’re all named David?” he asked “What if you want them […]

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and […]

An elderly married couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles […]

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, “I dont recognize this court!” “Why?” asked the Judge. “Because you’ve had it decorated since the last time I was here.”

Potato Joke 01 How do you describe an angry potato? Boiling Mad. Potato Joke 02 What do you call a baby potato? A small fry! Potato Joke 03 What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up. Potato Joke 04 What does a British potato say when it thinks […]

Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: That's “womyn” with a Y, and it's not funny!

Kim Jong Il Joke 1 All I ask is that the Team America Kim Jong-il appears in the sentimental “Those We’ve Lost…” montage in next year’s Oscars. Kim Jong Il Joke 2 America has had to deal with eccentric dictators in the past: Idi Amin, Muammar Qaddafi, Ming the Merciless… but now the security of […]

How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.

“Husseinfeld” “Mad About Everything” “U.S. Military Secrets Revealed” “Suddenly Sanctions” “Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest” “Matima Loves Chachi” “Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs” “Wheel of Fortune and Terror” “Iraq”s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers” “Achmed”s Creek” “The Price is Right If Saddam Says It”s Right” “M*U*S*T*A*S*H” “Veronica”s Closet Full of Long, Black, […]

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies, Air defences were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds, As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads. Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube, Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube, And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so […]