Christmas Cracker Joke 1
A Man goes to see his Doctor and says: “Doctor I have a lettuce stuck in my bottom.” The Doctors takes a look and replies: “That’s only the tip of the iceberg.”
Christmas Cracker Joke 2
A Man goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.” And he replied: “It’s OK, I’ll give you some cream for that.”
Christmas Cracker Joke 3
An invisible Man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Christmas Cracker Joke 4
Did you hear about the Man who fell into an upholstery machine? He’s fully recovered.
Christmas Cracker Joke 5
Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned.
Christmas Cracker Joke 6
Did you hear of the mathematician who had constipation? In the end he had to work it out with a pencil.
Christmas Cracker Joke 7
Hear about the Man that collected five thousand door knockers? He won a Noble prize.
Christmas Cracker Joke 8
How did the beaver get online? He logged on!
Christmas Cracker Joke 9
How do hedgehogs make love? Very carefully.
Christmas Cracker Joke 10
How do you get a fat person in bed? A piece of cake.
Christmas Cracker Joke 11
How do you keep your husband from reading your emails? Rename the folder ‘Instruction Manuals’.
Christmas Cracker Joke 12
How do you know you’re living in a redneck town? You get married for the third time and have the same in-laws
Christmas Cracker Joke 13
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a boogie in it.
Christmas Cracker Joke 14
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi’ Jammin
Christmas Cracker Joke 15
I had a crash with an ice-cream van last night. I wasn’t hurt, just had a bit of Mr Whippy lash.
Christmas Cracker Joke 16
Two oranges walk into a bar. One says to other: “You’re round.”
Christmas Cracker Joke 17
Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud. Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.
Christmas Cracker Joke 18
What are three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I’m home!
Christmas Cracker Joke 19
What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper.
Christmas Cracker Joke 20
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam.
Christmas Cracker Joke 21
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
Christmas Cracker Joke 22
What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin? You let me down, you let your friends down, you let your school down but most of all… you let yourself down.
Christmas Cracker Joke 23
What did the one strand of hair say to the other strand of hair when asked if he could borrow his shampoo? Yes, but only on one conditioner.
Christmas Cracker Joke 24
What did the PoliceMan say to the stomach? You’re under a vest.
Christmas Cracker Joke 25
What do anniversaries and toilets have in common? Men always miss them
Christmas Cracker Joke 26
What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.
Christmas Cracker Joke 27
What do you call a girl with eggs and bacon in her hair? Cathy.
Christmas Cracker Joke 28
What do you call a Man that plays with leaves? Rustle!
Christmas Cracker Joke 29
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks? A roaming Catholic.
Christmas Cracker Joke 30
What do you call a woman who has lost 95 per cent of her brain? Divorced.
Christmas Cracker Joke 31
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? Nacho Cheese
Christmas Cracker Joke 32
What do you do if your toe falls off? Call a TOW truck for help!
Christmas Cracker Joke 33
What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Christmas Cracker Joke 34
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye!
Christmas Cracker Joke 35
What do you get when you put a fish and an elephant together? Swimming trunks.
Christmas Cracker Joke 36
What do you give a Man who has everything? Antibiotics.
Christmas Cracker Joke 37
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts? Hope you like Jammin too.
Christmas Cracker Joke 38
What goes ha ha ha clonk? A Man laughing his head off
Christmas Cracker Joke 39
What goes up and never comes down? Your age.
Christmas Cracker Joke 40
What happened to the blonde tap dancer? She fell in the sink.
Christmas Cracker Joke 41
What happened to the hyena who fell into a pot of gravy? He made a laughing stock of himself.
Christmas Cracker Joke 42
What has four legs but can’t walk? A table!
Christmas Cracker Joke 43
What is the definition of an American Bra? One yank and it’s off
Christmas Cracker Joke 44
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? There have been sightings of UFOs.
Christmas Cracker Joke 45
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!
Christmas Cracker Joke 46
What wobbles and flies? A Jelly-copter.
Christmas Cracker Joke 47
What’s brown and sits on a wall? Humpty dump.
Christmas Cracker Joke 48
What’s brown, steams and comes out of Cowes? The Isle of Wight ferry.
Christmas Cracker Joke 49
What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.
Christmas Cracker Joke 50
What’s got two grey legs and two browns legs? An elephant with diarrhoea.
Christmas Cracker Joke 51
What’s orange and fizzy and comes down the chimney at Christmas? Fanta Claus!
Christmas Cracker Joke 52
What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money.
Christmas Cracker Joke 53
What’s the similarity between PlayStations and boobs? Both are made for children, but used by adults.
Christmas Cracker Joke 54
Which island has the highest death rate? Corpsica!
Christmas Cracker Joke 55
Who’s the coolest person at a hospital? The Ultra Sound Guy!
Christmas Cracker Joke 56
Why are chocolate buttons rude? Because they are Smarties in the nude.
Christmas Cracker Joke 57
Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flatmate!
Christmas Cracker Joke 58
Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board? Because it had a nice groove in it!
Christmas Cracker Joke 59
Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn’t concentrate.
Christmas Cracker Joke 60
Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance? They have two left feet.
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