Funny Baby Jokes
Sadly the most popular baby jokes on the Internet are dead baby jokes, though there is a dead baby jokes section on this jokes site, below there are ZERO dead baby jokes.
Funny Baby Joke 1
A baby’s laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear…
Unless it is 3 a.m., you’re home alone, and you don’t have a baby.
Funny Baby Joke 2
A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40.
I said no, 40 babies are enough.
Funny Baby Joke 3
A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”
Funny Baby Joke 4
A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Sam.”
The nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken. Perhaps you can consider naming her Sam745 or Sam_678.”
Funny Baby Joke 5
Did you hear about the lady who traveled to the ocean to have her baby?
She needed a sea section.
Funny Baby Joke 6
How did it work out for the lady who had a sea section?
She gave birth to a bouncing baby buoy!
Funny Baby Joke 7
How did the baby almost get her and her mom kicked out of the crowded theater?
She yelled “pacifire”
Funny Baby Joke 8
How did the baby know she was ready to be born?
She was running out of womb.
Funny Baby Joke 9
How did the baby tell her mom she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Funny Baby Joke 10
I rushed to the hospital when I heard that my cousin could neither walk nor speak…
Apparently all newborns are like that.
Funny Baby Joke 11
I sat next to a baby on a ten-hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
Funny Baby Joke 12
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.
Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.
Funny Baby Joke 13
If a baby refuses to go to sleep, is he resisting arrest?
Funny Baby Joke 14
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Funny Baby Joke 15
Mom: You’re growing up now, you don’t need a bottle all the time.
Toddler: I could say the same to you, lady.
Baby Yoda Jokes
Baby Yoda Joke 1
Baby Yoda’s first word probably came after his second word.
Baby Yoda Joke 2
How did baby Yoda grow to be so old?
He was vaccinated.
Baby Daddy Jokes
Baby Daddy Joke 1
A couple is having a baby soon.
After hearing the results show that it’s a boy, the husband says, “Let’s name him Pete!”
But the wife says, “Honey, I’m having twins.”
“Well, then the second one is called RePete.”
Baby Daddy Joke 2
Daddy, daddy, can I have another glass of water, please?
But that’s the tenth one I’ve given you tonight!
Yes, but the baby’s bedroom is still on fire.
Baby Daddy Joke 3
I see the baby’s nose is running again,” said a worried father.
“For goodness sake!” snapped his wife. “Can’t you think of anything other than horse racing?”
Baby Daddy Joke 4
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Baby Daddy Joke 5
My friend’s gambling is getting out of hand. He just bet his newborn son in our game of poker…
And I thought, “I might have to raise him.”
Baby Daddy Joke 6
My baby is the spitting image of his Daddy.
Never mind, just so long as he’s healthy.
Baby Daddy Joke 7
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.”
The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.”
“No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”
The husband again asked, “So what do you say to the others?”
The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”
Baby Daddy Joke 8
There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn’t laugh once. Know why?
It was the delivery.
Baby Daddy Joke 9
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
Where is pop corn?
Baby Daddy Joke 10
What did one fire tell to her husband after their son’s birth?
Honey… this is Arson.
Baby Daddy Joke 11
Why did the baby monster put his father in the freezer?
Because he wanted frozen pop.
Baby Daddy Joke 12
Why did the man bring his pregnant wife a small lizard?
She told him to pick up a baby monitor.
Baby Daddy Joke 13
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam.
Baby Daddy Joke 14
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, ” my wife was reading a “tale of two cities” and she gave birth to twins”
“That’s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading the three musketeers and she gave birth to triplets”
The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, “When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves”!!!
Short Baby Jokes
Short Baby Joke 1
How do you get an astronaut’s baby to sleep?
Short Baby Joke 2
How do you make a baby ghost laugh?
You play peek-a-BOO.
Short Baby Joke 3
How does a baby ghost cry?
Short Baby Joke 4
How should you treat a baby goat?
Like a kid.
Short Baby Joke 5
How warm is a baby at birth?
Short Baby Joke 6
What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet?
Short Baby Joke 7
What do baby pythons play with? Rattle-snakes.
Short Baby Joke 8
What do triplets need more of than single babies?
Short Baby Joke 9
What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry.
Short Baby Joke 10
What do you call a boat who just got a baby dinghy?
Short Baby Joke 11
What do you call a group of baby garbage bins?
Short Baby Joke 12
What do you call a group of baby soldiers?
Short Baby Joke 13
What do you call a new baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Short Baby Joke 14
What do you call a newborn baby?
Anything you want.
Short Baby Joke 15
What do you call a very young comedian?
Short Baby Joke 16
What do you do with a fussy baby?
You pacify it.
Short Baby Joke 17
What is a babes favorite reptile?
Short Baby Joke 18
What is a baby bee?
A little humbug.
Baby Mama Jokes
Baby Mama Joke 1
A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day.
“Well, Skip,” said the scout, “Mum had only one dose of Castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it.”
Baby Mama Joke 2
Fred: My mum’s having a new baby. Drew: What’s wrong with the old one?
Baby Mama Joke 3
Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”
His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny exclaimed, “Wow… I can see why they threw him out!”
Baby Mama Joke 4
Mum, is it true my baby sister came from Heaven?
Yes, that’s right. Well, I don’t blame God for chucking her out.
Baby Mama Joke 5
My mum told me to stop playing with my sister; she said at least wait for her to be born first.
Baby Mama Joke 6
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato, and Baby Tomato are walking down the road. Baby Tomato starts to lag behind. Papa Tomato becomes angry, goes up to Baby Tomato, squeezes him, and says, “Catch up!”
Baby Mama Joke 7
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?”
The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.”
The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?”
The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.”
The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?”
The momma cow again replied” Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head.”
The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!”
The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”
Baby Mama Joke 8
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
“It’s pasture bed time.”
Baby Mama Joke 9
Why does a mother carry her baby?
The baby can’t carry the mother.
Baby Mama Joke 10
Willy: “Mom, are our neighbors very poor people?”
Mother: “I don’t think so, Willy. Why do you ask?”
Willy: “Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.”
Bad Baby Jokes
Bad Baby Joke 1
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Doctor, what’s going on?” asked the concerned father-to-be.
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
Bad Baby Joke 2
Baby: I don’t always drink milk. But when I do, I prefer Dos Tetas.
Bad Baby Joke 3
Cry Baby – by Liza Weeping
Bad Baby Joke 4
Did you hear about Mrs Dimwit’s new baby?
She thought babies should be pink, so she took this one to the doctor because it was a horrible yeller.
Bad Baby Joke 5
Did you hear about the baby born in a high-tech hospital?
It came out cordless.
Bad Baby Joke 6
Did you hear about the baby turkeys that were all upset?
They were crying fowl.
Bad Baby Joke 7
Did you hear the joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s newborn daughter?
It’s a little niche…
Bad Baby Joke 8
Did you know that you can get a wooden car seat?
It comes with a sign that says, “Baby on Board.”
Bad Baby Joke 9
How did Batman decorate baby Robin’s crib?
With a bat mobile.
Bad Baby Joke 10
How do you get a paper baby?
Marry an old bag.
Bad Baby Joke 11
I think the hospital accidentally switched our babies at birth…
They’re identical twins, so it’s hard to be sure.
Bad Baby Joke 12
I told my friends a joke about birth complications, but no one laughed.
It must have come out wrong.
Bad Baby Joke 13
Do you remember what you used to call your security blanket when you were little?
No, I’m drawing a blankie!
Bad Baby Joke 14
Doctor, doctor, my baby’s swallowed a watch!
Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.
Bad Baby Joke 15
What did Frosty the Snowman and his partner put over their baby’s crib?
Bad Baby Joke 16
What did the baby dolphin do when he didn’t get his way?
Bad Baby Joke 17
What did the baby say to the lady holding her upon being born?
Postpardon me, but are you my mom?
Bad Baby Joke 18
What did the buffalo say to his baby boy when paternity leave was over?
Bad Baby Joke 19
What did the doctor say when the pregnant woman gave birth to a frozen pizza?
It’s not delivery; it’s DiGiorno!
Bad Baby Joke 20
What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake?
Stop crying and viper your nose.
Bad Baby Joke 21
What did the new parent say upon seeing “16 to 28 pounds” on the side of the diaper box?
“That’s one huge bowel movement!”
Bad Baby Joke 22
What do you call a group of yuppy trust fund 3 year old?
Good Baby Jokes
Good Baby Joke 1
Do you know how Stonehenge came to be?
By Chuck Norris stacking blocks as a baby.
Good Baby Joke 2
Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man?
Good Baby Joke 3
Do you know why babies born on holidays are more than likely to be little girls?
Because there is no mail delivery on holidays.
Good Baby Joke 4
Do you like your new baby sister?
She’s all right.
Do you play with her?
No, and we can’t even send her back because she’s been here more than 28 days.
Good Baby Joke 5
Mrs Goat: Honey, we’re going to have a baby!
Mr. Goat: you’re kidding.
Good Baby Joke 6
Have you heard of the pregnant bed bug?
She’s going to have her baby in the spring.
Good Baby Joke 7
How can you tell if a snake is a baby?
It has a rattle.
Good Baby Joke 8
I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after she finishes college.
Good Baby Joke 9
Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door?
Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy.
Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off. “
Good Baby Joke 10
Parent #1: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?
Parent #2: You told me to change the baby.
Good Baby Joke 11
Peter: My mom is having a new baby.
Joy: What’s wrong with the old one?
Good Baby Joke 12
Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork, But bigger ones need a crane.
Good Baby Joke 13
Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I’ve ever made.
Then I realize “My daughter isn’t THAT bad!”
Good Baby Joke 14
Tell me, does the stork deliver babies with their diapers on?
No, they’re stork naked!
Good Baby Joke 15
Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephants milk.
Whose baby was it?
Good Baby Joke 16
Trying to make a baby talk is like trying to negotiate with North Korea!
Good Baby Joke 17
What’s the difference between a baby and a baked potato?
About 140 calories.
Good Baby Joke 18
What’s the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don’t get angry when you toss a salad.
Good Baby Joke 19
What are baby witches called?
Good Baby Joke 20
What candy bar do most infants prefer?
Good Baby Joke 21
What do you call an army full of babies?
Baby Joke 1
What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles?
Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan.
Baby Joke 2
What is a baby?
A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
Baby Joke 3
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Baby Joke 4
What Led Zeppelin album do most babies love best?
Infant Through The Out Door
Baby Joke 5
What rapper can babies not get enough of?
Baby Joke 6
What social media app helps babies fall asleep by playing long-winded, monotonous conversations?
Baby Joke 7
What social media site is for babies who want to go on playdates?
Baby Joke 8
What was the policeman’s baby’s first words?
Hallo, Hallo, Hallo !
Baby Joke 9
What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Baby Joke 10
What’s a breastfeeding baby’s least favorite holiday?
Baby Joke 11
When a baby is learning to eat, shouldn’t he have an L-plate?
Baby Joke 12
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t have teddy bears. You know why?
He had real bears.
Baby Joke 13
When do parents change the most baby diapers?
In the wee wee hours.
Baby Joke 14
When potatoes have babies, what are they called?
Baby Joke 15
Where can babies post status updates about how they‘re feeling?
Baby Joke 16
Where do baby cats learn to swim?
The kitty pool.
Baby Joke 17
Where do baby fish sleep?
In a bass-inet.
Baby Joke 18
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Baby Joke 19
Which app can babies use to see thousands of photos of people who want to buy them toys?
Baby Joke 20
Who do we dress babies in onesies?
Because they can’t dress themselves.
Baby Joke 21
Who held the baby octopus for ransom?
Baby Joke 22
Who’s bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby?
Their baby — because he’s a little Bigger.
Baby Joke 23
Why are babies always gurgling with joy?
Because it’s a nappy time.
Baby Joke 24
Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth?
Because littering is a crime.
Baby Joke 25
Why did the know-it-all large twins agree to be born head first?
They were too big for their breeches
Baby Joke 26
Why did the mom demand a paycheck from the hospital?
To compensate her for her labor
Baby Joke 27
Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
He wanted something to get his teeth into.
Baby Joke 28
Why didn’t the baby want to be born?
Because it didn’t want to give up its free womb and board!
Baby Joke 29
Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?
Because they can’t dress themselves.
Baby Joke 30
Why is a baby like an diamond?
Because it’s a dear little thing.
Baby Joke 31
Why was the baby drop of ink crying?
His mom was in the pen, and he didn’t know how long her sentence was.
Baby Joke 32
Why won’t Trump be subject to impeachment?
Answer: Because Republicans in Congress insist that every baby be brought to full term!
Baby Joke 33
Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister?
I’d much rather have a jelly baby.
Baby Joke 34
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: ‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Baby Joke 35
Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if you change baby’s diaper very quickly.