Beauty Joke 1
My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion. Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.
Beauty Joke 2
I m not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased! But that’s the problem – you don’t please anyone.
Beauty Joke 3
Fred: What’s that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders? Harry: Help! What is it? Fred: Your head!
Beauty Joke 4
She’s so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.
Beauty Joke 5
First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that’s vanity? Second girl: No, it’s imagination.
Beauty Joke 6
Who won the Monster Beauty Contest? No one.
Beauty Joke 7
First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor yesterday. I was there for three hours. Second Witch: Oh, what did you have done? First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an estimate.
Beauty Joke 8
Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week. Mrs Baggy: Tried to? Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldn’t find a crane strong enough to lift her face!
Beauty Joke 9
They say Margaret is a raving beauty. You mean she’s escaped from the funny farm?
Beauty Joke 10
First witch: My beauty is timeless. Second witch: Yes, it could stop a clock.
Beauty Joke 11
A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star. “Nothing,” replied the assistant. “Nothing?” she asked, “but how can I look like a film star?” “Haven’t you seen a film called The Creature from the Black Lagoon?” replied the assistant.
Beauty Joke 12
A monster went to the doctor with a branch growing out of his head. “Hmmm,” said the doctor. “I’ve no idea what it is.” The next week the branch was covered in leaves and blossom. “I m stumped,” said the doctor, “but you can try taking these pills.” When the monster came back a month later the branch had grown into a tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small pond, surrounded by trees and bushes, all of them on top of his head. “Ah!” said the doctor, “I know what it is. You’ve got a beauty spot.”
Beauty Joke 13
I’ve just come back from the beauty parlour. Pity it was closed!
Beauty Joke 14
Where is everyone beautiful? In the dark.
Beauty Joke 15
Fred keeps telling me that he’s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world. Oh, what a shame! And you’ve been engaged for such a long time!
Beauty Joke 16
People keep telling me I m beautiful. What vivid imaginations some people have.
Beauty Joke 17
Don’t look out of the window, Betty, people will think it’s Halloween.
Beauty Joke 18
What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter? The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.
Beauty Joke 19
Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness? She finished it in two.
Beauty Joke 20
What is yellow and goes click-click? A ball-point banana. Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older? Wizard: With luck, yes. Witch:
Beauty Joke 21
A little boy came running into the kitchen. Dad, dad he said, there’s a monster at the door with a really ugly face Tell him you’ve already got one, said his father !
Beauty Joke 22
My boyfriend says I look like a dishy Italian!said Miss Conceited. Then he’s right said her little brother. Sophia Loren? “No-spaghetti!
Beauty Joke 23
A woman went to a sweet store to buy some sweets. The boy behind the counter said “Gosh, your ugly aren’t you?, I’ve never seen anyone so hideous as you before” “Young man” she replied. ” I didn’t come here to be insulted” “Really”, he said, “Where do you usually go ?”
Beauty Joke 24
Little Johnny and his mother were on a train. Johnny leant over and started to whisper in his mother’s ear. Johnny, how many times have I told you, said his mother, it’s rude to whisper. If you have something to say, say it out loud. OK, said Johnny, why does the lady over there look like an ugly, haggard old witch ?
Beauty Joke 25
Girlfriend: Will you love me when I m old and fat and ugly? Boyfriend: Of course I do !
Beauty Joke 26
Mary: Do you think my sister’s pretty ? Gary: Well, let’s just say if you pulled her pigtail she d probably say oink, oink !
Beauty Joke 27
Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn’t pretty and wasn’t ugly ? She was pretty ugly
Beauty Joke 28
She’s the kind of girl that boys look at twice – they can’t believe it the first time.
Beauty Joke 29
Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back. Will: Pity it’s not on her head.
Beauty Joke 30
Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. I thought it was love at first sight, said Julie. It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.
Beauty Joke 31
Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance ? Man: It did for a while – then it fell off.
Beauty Joke 32
Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom. One said, I took my girlfriend to see The bride of Dracula last night. Oh yeah, said the other, what was she like ? Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had big red staring eyes and fangs. The other said,
Beauty Joke 33
I can’t understand why people say my girlfriend’s legs look like matchsticks. They do look like sticks – but they certainly don’t match.
Beauty Joke 34
What did the really ugly man do for a living ? He posed for Halloween masks !
Beauty Joke 35
I don’t think these photographs you’ve taken do me justice. You don’t want justice – you want mercy !
Your ugly. And you re drunk. Yes, but in the morning I ll be sober !
Beauty Joke 37
My boyfriend thinks I m beautiful Well they do say that love is blind !
Beauty Joke 38
Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world What was I wearing ?
Beauty Joke 39
Monster: I m so ugly. Ghost: It’s not that bad! Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out cigars. When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes. When I was born they simply passed out.