Christmas Joke 1
What do monkeys sing at Christmas ? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !
Christmas Joke 2
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles !
Christmas Joke 3
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I ll never part with it !
Christmas Joke 4
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them !
Christmas Joke 5
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ? A pineapple !
Christmas Joke 6
What do you give a train driver for Christmas ? Platform shoes !
Christmas Joke 7
What happens to you at Christmas ? Yule be happy !
Christmas Joke 8
Can I have a broken drum for Christmas? The best thing you could have asked for. You can’t beat it!
Christmas Joke 9
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective ? Santa Clues !
Christmas Joke 10
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck !
Christmas Joke 11
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ? Santapplause !
Christmas Joke 12
Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ? Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe
Christmas Joke 13
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ? Because they both have “Sandy claws” !
Christmas Joke 14
What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ? Santa pause !
Christmas Joke 15
What’s fat and jolly and runs on eight wheels? Father Christmas on roller skates!
Christmas Joke 16
Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys? Because they soot him!
Christmas Joke 17
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ? No you can have turkey like everyone else !
Christmas Joke 18
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ? My pop is bigger than yours !
Christmas Joke 19
Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The turkey – he’s always stuffed !
Christmas Joke 20
What bird has wings but cannot fly ? Roast turkey !
Christmas Joke 21
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ? Your teeth !
Christmas Joke 22
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !
Christmas Joke 23
Did you hear about the stupid turkey? It was looking forward to Christmas!
Christmas Joke 24
How to cats greet each other at Christmas ? “A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year” !
Christmas Joke 25
Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn’t get wet! Why not? Because it wasn’t raining!
Christmas Joke 26
What do you get hanging from Father Christmas roof? Tired arms!
Christmas Joke 27
How do you make a slow reindeer fast ? Don’t feed it !
Christmas Joke 28
Why are Father Christmas reindeer like a cricket match? Because they re both stopped by the rein.
Christmas Joke 29
What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes? No-eyed-deer!
Christmas Joke 30
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ? It’s Christmas, Eve !
Christmas Joke 31
What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month ? The letter “D” !
Christmas Joke 32
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ? Santa Claustrophobia !
Christmas Joke 33
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail !
Christmas Joke 34
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ? Stacks !
Christmas Joke 35
Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ? It was a moth ball !
Christmas Joke 36
How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party ? Chick to chick !
Christmas Joke 37
Did you hear about Dracula’s Christmas party ? It was a scream !
Christmas Joke 38
What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ? Fancy a bite ?
Christmas Joke 39
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ? He had no body to go with !
Christmas Joke 40
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I m a Christmas bell! Just take these pills – and, if they don’t work, give me a ring!
Christmas Joke 41
Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can’t sleep. Try lying on the edge of your bed…you ll soon drop off!
Christmas Joke 42
Doctor, Doctor I m scared of Father Christmas Doctor: You re suffering from Claus-trophobia.
Christmas Joke 43
My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it! Doctor: Try this medicine…and if it doesn’t work come back and bring me a new video camera.
Christmas Joke 44
I wouldn’t say Christmas gnomes are small. But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!
Christmas Joke 45
I wouldn’t say Christmas gnomes are ugly, But if beauty’s skin deep then they were was born inside out!
Christmas Joke 46
I wouldn’t say that Christmas gnomes are cross-eyed, but when they cry the tears run down their back!
Christmas Joke 47
What do gnomes fear most about Christmas? They re afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!
Christmas Joke 48
Father Christmas: How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge? Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.
Christmas Joke 49
What song do Father Christmas gnomes sing to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
Christmas Joke 50
What’s a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment ? A phantomime !
Christmas Joke 51
Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream? Lady: You certainly did! Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I m back in the right row!
Christmas Joke 52
Father Christmas: All right, my good lady, my face is my ticket. Box office attendant: Then you d better watch out… there’s a feller inside who has the job of punching the tickets.
Christmas Joke 53
Father Christmas: What’s your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one about the ghost that steals porridge! Father Christmas: You mean Ghoul-di-locks !
Christmas Joke 54
Father Christmas:I like the story about the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to Granny. Elf: That’s Little Red Robin Hood !
Christmas Joke 55
Father Christmas: What’s your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared of the Big Bad Wolf and they grow on trees! Father Christmas: You mean The Three Little Figs .
Christmas Joke 56
Elf: My favourite film is about the man who casts spells in the middle of a swamp. Father Christmas: That’s called The Wizard of Ooze !
Christmas Joke 57
Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank. Why did he do that? He was trying to save time!
Christmas Joke 58
What’s Scrooge’s favourite Christmas game? Mean-opoly.
Christmas Joke 59
What’s a hairdressers’s favourite Christmas song? Oh comb all ye faithful
Christmas Joke 60
A football supporter’s favourite Christmas song? Yule never walk alone
Christmas Joke 61
A rabbit’s favourite Christmas song? Lettuce with a gladsome mind
Christmas Joke 62
Who delievers cat’s Christmas presents ? Santa Paws !
Christmas Joke 63
Who delievers elephants’s Christmas presents? Elephanta Claus !
Christmas Joke 64
What game do reindeer play in their stalls? Stable-tennis!
Christmas Joke 65
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ? Because he didn’t want to be recognised !
Christmas Joke 66
What reindeer can jump higher than a house? They all can! Houses can’t jump!
Christmas Joke 67
Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can’t tell me why he does that! Oh, yes I can. the elf said. Because tow Eds are better than one, of course!
Christmas Joke 68
Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can’t tell me why he does that! Oh, yes I can. the elf said. Because tow Eds are better than one, of course!
Christmas Joke 69
Dear Father Christmas, this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door. Yours, Sherlock Holmes Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes? Lemon-entry my dear watson.
Christmas Joke 70
Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me some Crocodile shoes!. Father Christmas: Can’t do that one. He hasn’t said what size his crocodile takes!
Christmas Joke 71
What’s Christmas called in England ? Yule Britannia !
Christmas Joke 72
What’s Tarzan’s favourite Christmas song? Jungle bells.
Christmas Joke 73
How long does it take to burn a candle down ? About a wick !
Christmas Joke 74
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ? Santa Jaws !
Christmas Joke 75
One time Father Christmas lost his underpants. That’s how he got the name Saint Knickerless!
Christmas Joke 76
What does Father Christmas call his money ? Iced lolly ?
Christmas Joke 77
I remember when Father Christmas first passed his sleigh-driving test. He came skidding down in front of the toy factory. Have you passed? I asked. Father Christmas pointly proudly to the front of the sleigh. See for yourself! he called proudly. No-el plates!
Christmas Joke 78
A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past. They must have had sharp ears! They were mountain-ears!
Christmas Joke 79
Father Christmas: I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow! I m on my way, Father Christmas. Father Christmas: But you only have one welly on! That’s all right! There’s only one foot of snow!
Christmas Joke 80
I’ve had a slight accident with your sleigh, Father Christmas! Father Christmas: Oh no! That sleigh was in mint condition! That’s all right….now it’s a mint with a hole!
Christmas Joke 81
What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards ? Best vicious of the season
Christmas Joke 82
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ? A merry Christmas to ewe
Christmas Joke 83
Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I m turning into an orange! Have you tried playing squash?
Christmas Joke 84
Who made this Christmas pudding? Our chef. He’s a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it? Elf-raising flour, of course.
Christmas Joke 85
Last year’s Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean. That’s probably why the ocean’s full of currants!
Christmas Joke 86
What can Santa give away and still keep? A cold.
Christmas Joke 87
ELF: Santa, one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil! What should I do? SANTA: Use a pen.
Christmas Joke 88
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
Christmas Joke 89
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus.
Christmas Joke 90
Why does Santa’s sled get such good mileage? Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Christmas Joke 91
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.
Christmas Joke 92
JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? MIKE: We ll have a boo Christmas without you.
Christmas Joke 93
ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!
Christmas Joke 94
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
Christmas Joke 95
Who sings “Love me tender”, and makes Christmas toys? Santa’s little Elvis.
Christmas Joke 96
Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? “Rude”olph
Christmas Joke 97
What is the cow’s holiday greeting? Mooooory Christmas!
Christmas Joke 98
What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!
Christmas Joke 99
How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.
Christmas Joke 100
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Christmas Joke 101
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.
Christmas Joke 102
What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? Forty feet of track – all straight!
Christmas Joke 103
What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already.
Christmas Joke 104
Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn’t buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl. You re getting your Christmas present a week early this year, her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. Is that what you want? The little girl said, It’s wonderful, mother…just what I wanted. There’s just one thing wrong!
Christmas Joke 105
It was Christmas eve, and Santa was really busy making his list and checking it twice, when there came a knock at the door. His wife comes in. “Honey, where do you want me to put your boots and gloves?” Well, Santa is very busy and so he’s slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her, “Put them by the front door, and stop bothering me. I m trying to get some work done.” He starts back to work, but a few minutes later an elf barges in. “Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should we do with them?” Santa snaps, “Stick em in the sleigh! Can’t you see I m trying to get ready? I don’t want any more interruptions!” But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there is another interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says, “Santa, I have your Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?” And this is where we get the tradition of placing an ange l on top of the Christmas tree.
Christmas Joke 106
Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie? “He said it was too tight.”
Christmas Joke 107
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Christmas Joke 108
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.
Christmas Joke 109
What’s the most popular wine at Christmas? “I don’t like sprouts!”
Christmas Joke 110
Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations? Santa Clues.
Christmas Joke 111
Why is it so cold at Christmas? It’s in Decembrrrrr.
Christmas Joke 112
Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true….Comet cleans sinks!
Christmas Joke 113
Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer? Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.
Christmas Joke 114
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Christmas Joke 115
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window? “Looks like rein dear”
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