Clinton Joke 1
Q: How does Bill Clinton say “I m about to hurt you”? A: “Trust me.”
Clinton Joke 2
Q: What’s the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull? A: The pit bull doesn’t carry a briefcase.
Clinton Joke 3
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
Clinton Joke 4
Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him, “Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.” “What did it say on the banners?” Clinton asks. Saddam replies, “Allah is god, god is Allah.” Clinton says, “You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner.” “What could you see on the banners?” Saddam asks. Clinton replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.”
Clinton Joke 5
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow? A: By the wise look in the eyes.
Clinton Joke 6
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies? A: He’s the stiff one.
Clinton Joke 7
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two–One to promise he ll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
Clinton Joke 8
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None–He ll only promise “change.”
Clinton Joke 9
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: He doesn t! He whines a while, says “I feel your pain”, and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Clinton Joke 10
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they re sending their turkey to the White House!
Clinton Joke 11
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they can’t afford any more pork.
Clinton Joke 12
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.
Clinton Joke 13
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: They’ve been having turkey for years.
Clinton Joke 14
Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth? A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!
Clinton Joke 15
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A: A dead girlfriend.
Clinton Joke 16
Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton, “Are you ready to order?” Clinton replies, “Yes, I d like a quickie.” “A quickie?!?” the waitress replies. “Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don’t think that is a good idea. I ll come back when you are ready to order from the menu.” She walks away. Gore leans over to Clinton and says, “It’s pronounced Quiche.”
Clinton Joke 17
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet? A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Clinton Joke 18
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Clinton Joke 19
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face? A: If his lips are moving, then he’s lying.
Clinton Joke 20
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common? A: Neither one is very bright.
Clinton Joke 21
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight? A: Runs away from the draft.
Clinton Joke 22
Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]? A: He’s got his jogging suit on.
Clinton Joke 23
Q: What’s Clinton’s favorite baseball team? A: The Dodgers.
Clinton Joke 24
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.” Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: “Will I be acquitted?”
Clinton Joke 25
Q: Did you hear that the Clinton’s had Air Force 1 remodeled? A: Now it’s got two left wings.
Clinton Joke 26
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called “middle of the road Democrat”? A: Because he’s got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Clinton Joke 27
Q: Why is Bill Clinton’s economic plan called positively atheist? A: Because it hasn’t got a prayer.
Clinton Joke 28
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who d land first? A: Who cares!
Clinton Joke 29
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck? A: Trying to save both faces.
Clinton Joke 30
Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved? A: The United States of America!
Clinton Joke 31
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails? A: Because when his term is through, he won’t be going to school.
Clinton Joke 32
Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly? A: Heredity.
Clinton Joke 33
Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school? A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!
Clinton Joke 34
Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common? A: They haven’t had any brains for the last thirty years.
Clinton Joke 35
Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone? A: He turned into Hillary!
Clinton Joke 36
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton’s election? A: It’s gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Clinton Joke 37
Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely? A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
Clinton Joke 38
Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two–one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
Clinton Joke 39
Q: What is Clinton’s plan to create thousands of small businesses? A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Clinton Joke 40
Bill Clinton is writing his memoirs. They re called “The Johnson Years”.
Clinton Joke 41
Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!
Clinton Joke 42
Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? A: Some of Stalin’s subjects admired him.
Clinton Joke 43
Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in? A: A noose.
Clinton Joke 44
Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in? A: Handcuffs.
Clinton Joke 45
Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble? A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
Clinton Joke 46
Q: What’s the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials? A: A police lineup.
Clinton Joke 47
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
Clinton Joke 48
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
Clinton Joke 49
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? A: Chelsea.
Clinton Joke 50
Q: Bill, Hillary, and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved? A: The United States of America.
Clinton Joke 51
Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for? A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Clinton Joke 52
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child? A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Clinton Joke 53
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To tax the chicken.
Clinton Joke 54
Q: Why can’t Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics? A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
Clinton Joke 55
Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury? A: When he’s sworn in.
Clinton Joke 56
Clinton goes around telling people we humans are genetically 99.9% similar. Apparently the 0.1% is the character gene.
Clinton Joke 57
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To meet the chick.
Clinton Joke 58
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike? A: Both aren’t as successful when they re not on grass.
Clinton Joke 59
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore? A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Clinton Joke 60
Q: Did you know that Clinton’s cat can play Chess? A: Inside Information: The cat isn’t really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
Clinton Joke 61
Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died? A: Bill Clinton of course!
Clinton Joke 62
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a “tragedy”. One little boy stands up and offers “If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” Clinton says, “That would be an ACCIDENT.” A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy.” “I m afraid not,” explains Clinton. “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.” The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. “What?” asks Clinton, “Isn’t there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?” Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: “If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb,’t HAT would be tragedy.” “Wonderful!” Clinton beams. “Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” “Well,” says the boy, “because it couldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!”
Clinton Joke 63
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane? A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke? A: “You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!
Clinton Joke 64
Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America? A: “Never! I m not going to let my wife run the country!!”
Clinton Joke 65
Q: Why doesn’t Bill like old houses? A: He’s afraid of the draft.
Clinton Joke 66
Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh? A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
Clinton Joke 67
Q: What’s the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant? A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
Clinton Joke 68
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb? A: One–she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Clinton Joke 69
Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? A: Some of Stalin’s subjects admired him.
Clinton Joke 70
One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the White House. “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. “Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom. Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. Abe replied, “Go to the theater.”
Clinton Joke 71
Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Clinton Joke 72
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House? A: When Hillary leaves town.
Clinton Joke 73
Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture.
Clinton Joke 74
Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55.
Clinton Joke 75
Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face? A: He is stupid!
Clinton Joke 76
Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice? A: He keeps having to eat his words.
Clinton Joke 77
Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm.
Clinton Joke 78
What did Clinton say when accused of copying his homework from his girlfriend at Oxford? I did not have textual relations with that woman.
Clinton Joke 79
Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade? A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president’s spouse, Bill Clinton.
Clinton Joke 80
Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America? A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
Clinton Joke 81
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
Clinton Joke 82
Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky? Pres: Improper? … Ain’t nothing improper about that. That was one of the the sweetest interns I’ve ever had.
Clinton Joke 83
In a survey of American women, when asked, “Would you sleep with President Clinton?” 86% replied, “Not again”
Clinton Joke 84
President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip — a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute. “I d salute you back, Sergeant,” says the President, “but as you can see, I’ve got my hands full.” “Yes, sir,” replies the sergeant. “Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs.” “Why, these aren’t pigs,” the President responds. “These are RAZORBACKS!” “Yes, sir — razorbacks. Sorry, sir.” “Yup,” Clinton continues. “Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary.” The sergeant replies: “Very good trade, sir — very good trade.”
Clinton Joke 85
Q: What will Bill’s favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect? A: Everything’s $100.
Clinton Joke 86
Q: What was the real purpose of Bill’s college visit to Moscow? A: To study economics.
Clinton Joke 87
Q: What is Clinton’s plan to create thousands of small businesses? A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Clinton Joke 88
Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea’s new private school? A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
Clinton Joke 89
Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Clinton Joke 90
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Clinton Joke 91
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
Clinton Joke 92
Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals? A: They all make a living by lying to people.
Clinton Joke 93
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she’s pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: “How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can’t believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???” There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, “Did you hear me??!!” Finally she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”
Clinton Joke 94
How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet? They were both dating the same girl in high school.
Clinton Joke 95
One day there were these three boys walking down the street, all of a sudden they heard a yell: HELP! HELP! When the boys got to the noise they saw Bill Clinton in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning. Bill Clinton asks the first boy how he could ever repay him. The boy said, I want a boat. The second boy said I want a truck. And the third boy said, I want three tombstones with are names all on them. Bill Clinton said, why is that son? The little boy said,
Clinton Joke 96
If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win? Dan Quayle. He’s the only one who knows that harass is one word.
Clinton Joke 97
Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up? A: “Good morning, Bill.”
Clinton Joke 98
Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years? A: Unite the Republican Party.
Clinton Joke 99
Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia? A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
Clinton Joke 100
Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer? A. Chelsea Clinton
Clinton Joke 101
Q: When did Clinton’s friends become sure that he had political ambitions? A: When he married outside of his family.
Clinton Joke 102
Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents? A: Absolutely nothing.
Clinton Joke 103
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis? A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Clinton Joke 104
Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton? A: Because he filed as head of the household.
Clinton Joke 105
Q: How is Clinton’s health care reform a lot like his haircut? A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
Clinton Joke 106
President Clinton to maid: Mam, can you do something about Hillary’s room. She complains that it’s the ugliest room in the White House. Maid: Yes, Mr. President–I ll remove the mirrors right away.
Clinton Joke 107
Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax? A: Because they could spell it.
Clinton Joke 108
Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child? Because dad can’t keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Clinton Joke 109
Q: Why aren’t Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Clinton Joke 110
Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House? A: There is White-out on the screen.
Clinton Joke 111
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they re in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes. Quayle says, “I m going to ask the Wizard for a brain.” Gingrich responds, “I m going to ask the Wizard for a heart.” Clinton speaks up, “Where’s Dorothy?”
Clinton Joke 112
Q: What’s Clinton doing to make Americans happy? A: If you’ve paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family–you re happy.
Clinton Joke 113
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary’s high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.” She smirked and replied, “No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.”
Clinton Joke 114
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. “So you buried all the politicians?” asked the police officer. “Were they all dead?” The farmer answered, “Some said they weren t, but you know how politicians lie.”
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