Lawyer Joke 1
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. “Which side is it best to lie on?” she asked. “The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.
Lawyer Joke 2
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” the lawyer asked. “You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.” “Oh, yes,” the jury foreman replied. “We all looked – but your client didn t!”
Lawyer Joke 3
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the’t rain went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!” The old rancher replied, “Well, I ll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”
Lawyer Joke 4
If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?
Lawyer Joke 5
The bartender asks him “What ll you have?”. The guy answers, “A scotch, please”. The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That ll be five dollars”, to which he replies “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this”. A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration”. The bartender’s not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again”. The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the hell are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”. The guy says “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life”, to which the bartender replies “I m \r nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.” To which the guy replies “Thank you! Make it a scotch.”
Lawyer Joke 6
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.” The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange!”
Lawyer Joke 7
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um…no.” “-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, “-or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: “-so if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
Lawyer Joke 8
Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek? Nobody will look for them.
Lawyer Joke 9
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.
Lawyer Joke 10
What is the proper weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds, …….not counting the urn!
Lawyer Joke 11
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said: “We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?” “Are you kidding?” said St. Peter. “It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer!”
Lawyer Joke 12
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
Lawyer Joke 13
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who? But why?” asks the man. “I m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
Lawyer Joke 14
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?” “It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?” “That’s my business! Get me the course!” Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?” In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer . . .”
Lawyer Joke 15
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend’s car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?” “Well,” the friend responses, “I ran into a lawyer”. “OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?” “Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”
Lawyer Joke 16
A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied. “The judge ll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We re dead!” “I don’t think so,” his attorney told him. “I sent it in the other lawyer’s name!”
Lawyer Joke 17
You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background, sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. “If I wasn’t under oath, I d return the compliment,” replied the witness.
Lawyer Joke 18
A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn’t make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, “When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way.”
Lawyer Joke 19
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper. “Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I m not.”
Lawyer Joke 20
What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.
Lawyer Joke 21
The first lawyer questioning a panel of prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?” they stiffened and hesitated. Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do.”
Lawyer Joke 22
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. “Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,” instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. “But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,” she protested. “Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”
Lawyer Joke 23
A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge. He ran back to the White House and demanded the position. “Sorry,” said the President, “but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes.”
Lawyer Joke 24
Excuse me, a young fellow said to an older librarian, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.” “Well,” replied the librarian, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”
Lawyer Joke 25
A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, “I should have suspected he wasn’t a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite.”
Lawyer Joke 26
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.
Lawyer Joke 27
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.
Lawyer Joke 28
First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning? Second person: No. First person: Good!
Lawyer Joke 29
Have you seen the current remake of the movie “Cape Fear”? It’s about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?
Lawyer Joke 30
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
Lawyer Joke 31
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!
Lawyer Joke 32
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
Lawyer Joke 33
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Lawyer Joke 34
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?
Lawyer Joke 35
If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer s.
Lawyer Joke 36
If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then… Hey, come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea.
Lawyer Joke 37
In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients! When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, “I only build coffins now.”
Lawyer Joke 38
What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.
Lawyer Joke 39
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
Lawyer Joke 40
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, “lawyer” is always the third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is “dog.” The second is “snake.” And under snake, the encyclopedia says “See Lawyer.”
Lawyer Joke 41
Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.
Lawyer Joke 42
You re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Lawyer Joke 43
How can you tell a lawyer is lying? Other lawyers look interested.
Lawyer Joke 44
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they d rather keep their clients in the dark.
Lawyer Joke 45
Lawyer: “Let me give you my honest opinion.” Client: “No, no. I m paying for professional advice.”
Lawyer Joke 46
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?” Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I m beginning to think I didn t.”
Lawyer Joke 47
What do lawyers do after they die? They lie still.
Lawyer Joke 48
Why don’t lawyers enjoy playing golf? Because it’s too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.
Lawyer Joke 49
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. “Darling, it was just a shark,” said his wife when he came to. “You’ve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.”
Lawyer Joke 50
Why didn’t Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer’s heart? Because even Cupid can’t hit a target that small!
Lawyer Joke 51
What kind of clothes do lawyers wear? Lawsuits.
Lawyer Joke 52
Where is the best place to hide a lawyer? In a brief case.
Lawyer Joke 53
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, “Don’t worry – we have plenty of those where I come from.” The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, “Don’t worry – we have plenty of those where I come from.” Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying…
Lawyer Joke 54
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another: “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat won’t do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.”
Lawyer Joke 55
A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:30 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, “Well have the y got a verdict yet?” The bailiff shook his head and said, “Verdict? Hell, they re still doing nominating speeches for the foreman’s position!”
How can I ever thank you? gushed a woman to her lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles. “My dear woman,” lawyer replied, “Ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that easy question.”
Lawyer Joke 57
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.
Lawyer Joke 58
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances.