Funny Money Jokes
Over 80 mildly amusing clean and work safe jokes and puns about money.
Funny Money Joke 1
“Five dollars for one question!” said the girl to the fortune-teller. “That’s very expensive, isn’t it?”
“Next!”
Funny Money Joke 2
How can you be sure you have counterfeit money?
If it’s a three-dollar bill, you can be sure..
Funny Money Joke 3
Dad, would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son. Any suggestions?
Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won’t wear my shoes out so fast.
Funny Money Joke 4
I hate paying my income tax.
You should be a good citizen – why don’t you pay with a smile?
I’d like to but they insist on money
Funny Money Joke 5
A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live.
Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order.
“Oh yes, I’ve done that,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve only got to make a will. And do you know what I’m going to do with all my money?
I’m going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life.”
Funny Money Joke 6
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?
No! Tell me about it.
It smells of $50 dollar bills.
Funny Money Joke 7
At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars.
One of the chamber members stood up and said, “I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army.”
Funny Money Joke 8
Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, “Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?”
“Whada ya win?”
“A million dollars!” said the redneck. “You get a dollar a year for a million years.”
“How much are they each?”
“Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!”
Funny Money Joke 9
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
“Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
Funny Money Joke 10
Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave.
The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table!
The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again.
The third boy goes in, sees the five dollars and cries out, I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!
Funny Money Joke 11
A couple was having a discussion about family finances.
Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!”
The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here.”
Funny Money Joke 12
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
“Ohhh, it’s my girlfriend.”
“What’s the problem?”
“When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.”
Money Puns
Money Pun 1
What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A very witch person.
Money Pun 2
Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.
Money Pun 3
Where do bees keep their money?
In a honey box.
Money Pun 4
Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open?
She’d read there was going to be some change in the weather.
Money Pun 5
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was money in the kitty.
Money Pun 6
Why was the struggling manger seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
Money Pun 7
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
Money Pun 8
Why did your sister feed money to her cow ?
Because she wanted to get rich milk.
Money Pun 9
Why shouldn’t you carry two half dollars in your pocket?
Because two halves make a hole, and you could lose your money.
Money Pun 10
How do thunderstorms invest their money?
In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets
Money Pun 11
What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it?
Money’s tight these days!
Money Pun 12
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
Money Pun 13
I can’t find my dollar bill, Jane sobbed.
Don’t worry, her Counselor said. A dollar doesn’t go very far today.
Money Pun 14
Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you?
Mary: I’d pay whatever it charged.
Money Pun 15
What kind of money do monsters use?
Weird dough.
Tight with Money Jokes
Tight with Money Joke 1
The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.
Tight with Money Joke 2
My Dad is so tight as kids we were 8 before we realised the gas meter wasn’t our piggy bank!
Tight with Money Joke 3
When does a female deer need money?
When she doesn’t have a buck.
Tight with Money Joke 4
When does a male deer need money?
When he doesn’t have a doe.
Tight with Money Joke 5
How can you make money fast?
Glue it to the floor.
Tight with Money Joke 6
Where do Eskimos keep their money safe?
In snowbanks.
Tight with Money Joke 7
Where do hogs keep their money safe?
In piggy banks.
Tight with Money Joke 8
Where do trees keep their money safe?
In branch banks.
Tight with Money Joke 9
Why did the hippie put his money in the refrigerator?
He liked cold cash.
Tight with Money Joke 10
Why do wallets make so much noise?
Because money talks.
Tight with Money Joke 11
How can you get rich by eating?
Eat fortune cookies.
Short Money Jokes
Short Money Joke 1
An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they’d do if they had a million dollars.
Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper.
Alec! yelled the teacher, you’ve done nothing. Why?
Because if I had a million dollars, that’s exactly what I would do!
Short Money Joke 2
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
I’ve lost five cents, sobbed Johnny.
Don’t worry, said his dad kindly. Here’s five more for you.
At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
Now what is it? asked his dad.
I wish I’d said I’d lost ten cents!
Short Money Joke 3
William: May I have some money for the man crying outside?
Mum: What crying man?
William: The one that’s crying, Ice cream! Ice Cream!
Short Money Joke 4
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich?
Because the poor didn’t have any!
Short Money Joke 5
Visitor: You’re very quiet, Jennifer.
Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.
Short Money Joke 6
Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, Is Washington’s picture still on the dollar bill?
His Father wrote back, Of course it is. Why do you ask?
Martin answered, Because it’s been so long since I’ve seen one!
Short Money Joke 7
One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees.
What are you doing? she asked.
I’m looking for my dollar bill, Max replied. I lost it down the road.
Why don’t you look for it there?
Because the light’s better here!
Short Money Joke 8
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?”
To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”
Short Money Joke 9
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Trump.
President Trump was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord.
It said: “Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.”
Short Money Joke 10
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!”
The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t be on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”
Jokes About Money
Jokes About Money 1
Can I borrow that book of yours “How To Become A Millionaire?”
“Sure. Here you are.”
“Thanks – but half the pages are missing.”
“What’s the matter, isn’t half a million enough for you?”
Jokes About Money 2
Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
“You should give that money to charity,” said the sales girl.
Fred thought for a moment and said, “No, I’ll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity.”
Jokes About Money 3
What do you call counterfeited German currency?
Question marks.
Jokes About Money 4
Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery?
He’s so happy that he’s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
Jokes About Money 5
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.”
Money Jokes One Liners
Money Jokes One Liners 1
How can a can you double your money?
By tearing it in half.
Money Jokes One Liners 2
What happened when Dumbo went to a mind reader?
They gave him his money back.
Money Jokes One Liners 3
The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.
Money Jokes One Liners 4
Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt.
Harry: That’s what I’m afraid of!
Money Jokes One Liners 5
Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them?
I did!
Well, here’s the elastic band.
Money Jokes One Liners 6
A little monster was learning to play the violin, I’m good, aren’t I? he asked his big brother.
You should be on the radio, said his brother.
You think I’m that good?
No, I think you’re terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off!
Money Jokes One Liners 7
Ted said to his friend, can you lend me $10?
But I only have $8, his friend replied.
That’s OK, you can always owe me the other $2!
Money Jokes One Liners 8
If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?
Someone else’s coat.
Money Jokes One Liners 9
My sister fell in love at second sight.
When she first met him she didn’t know how rich he was.
Money Jokes One Liners 10
Which is better, an old ten dollar bill or a new one?
An old ten dollar bill is better than a new one.
Money Jokes
Money Joke 1
How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company?
He was shocked.
Money Joke 2
If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first?
The quarter, because it has less cents.
Money Joke 3
If you want to get rich, why should you keep your mouth shut?
Because silence is golden.
Money Joke 4
What did the man do when he got a big gas bill?
He exploded.
Money Joke 5
Where can you always find money?
In the dictionary.
Money Joke 6
How can you double your money?
Look at it in a mirror.
Money Joke 7
Why isn’t a dime worth as much today as it used to be?
Because the dimes (times) have changed.
Money Joke 8
Why are diapers like $10 bills?
Because you have to change them.
Money Joke 9
Why is the moon like a dollar?
It has four quarters.
Money Joke 10
Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
“I’m not paying,” said the duck. “I’ve only got one bill and I’m not breaking it.”
“I’ve spent my last buck,” said the deer.
“Then the duck’ll have to pay,” said the skunk. “Getting here cost me my last scent.”
Funny Money Puns
Funny Money Pun 1
Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player?
Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back
Funny Money Pun 2
If you take half from a half dollar, what do you have?
A dollar.
Funny Money Pun 3
What lands as often on its tail as it does its head?
A penny.
Funny Money Pun 4
What is the quickest way to double your money?
Rip it in half!
Funny Money Pun 5
How did rich people get their money?
They were calm and collected.
Funny Money Pun 6
If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left?
A million dollars minus 75 cents.
Funny Money Pun 7
Who makes a million dollars a day?
Someone who works in a mint.
Funny Money Pun 8
Why was the skunk arrested for counterfeiting?
Because he gave out bad scents.
Funny Money Pun 9
If George Washington were alive today, why couldn’t he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac?
Because a dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Funny Money Pun 10
What dog has money?
A bloodhound, because he is always picking up scents.
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