Over 130 work safe funny monster jokes and monster puns to annoy your friends and family with!
Funny Monster Jokes
Funny Monster Joke 1
1st Monster: What is that son of yours doing these days?
2nd Monster: He’s at medical school.
1st Monster: Oh, What’s he studying?
2nd Monster: Nothing, they’re studying him!
Funny Monster Joke 2
A very tall monster with several arms and legs, all of different lengths, went into a tailor’s shop.
I’d like to see a suit that will fit me, he told the tailor.
So would I, sir, said the tailor. So would I.
Funny Monster Joke 3
An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven legs walked into a tailors shop.
Quick! shouted the tailor to his assistant. Hide the “Free Alterations” sign!
Funny Monster Joke 4
Did you hear about the Irish monster who went to night school to learn to read in the dark?
Funny Monster Joke 5
Did you hear about the monster who sent his picture to a lonely hearts club?
They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely!
Funny Monster Joke 6
Did you hear about the monster with one eye at the back of his head, and one at the front?
He was terribly moody because he couldn’t see eye to eye with himself.
Funny Monster Joke 7
First Monster: I’m so thirsty my tongue’s hanging out.
Second Monster: Oh. I thought that was your necktie!
Funny Monster Joke 8
FRED MONSTER: My sister must be twenty. I counted the rings under her eyes.
BERT MONSTER: That’s nothing. My sister’s tongue is so long, she can lick an envelope after she’s posted it.
Funny Monster Joke 9
FRED: Your monster was making a terrible noise last night.
BERT: Yes – ever since he ate Madonna, he thinks he can sing.
Funny Monster Joke 10
Girl Monster 1: “I hear you’ve met the perfect guy.”
Girl Monster 2: “Oh yes, he’s a bad dream come true!”
Funny Monster Joke 11
MONSTER MOTHER: How many times have I told you not to eat with your fingers?
Use the spade like everyone else.
Funny Monster Joke 12
Mr Monster: Oi, hurry up with my supper.
Mrs Monster: Oh, do be quiet I’ve only got three pairs of hands.
Funny Monster Joke 13
On her annual visit to another planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward and says. “I hope this spaceship doesn’t travel faster than sound.”
“Why?” replies the cabin steward.
“Because my friend and I want to talk, that’s why.”
Funny Monster Joke 14
What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey?
“Pleased to eat you!”
Funny Monster Joke 15
What do you call a huge, ugly, slobbering, furry monster with cotton wool in his ears?
Anything you like, he can’t hear you.
Funny Monster Joke 16
What do you do with a green monster?
Put it in the sun until it ripens!
Funny Monster Joke 17
What do you get if a huge hairy monster steps on Batman and Robin?
Flatman and Ribbon !
Funny Monster Joke 18
What do you get if you cross a bird with a monstrous snarl?
A budgerigrrrrr!
Funny Monster Joke 19
What do you get if you cross a plum with a man eating monster?
A purple people eater.
Funny Monster Joke 20
What do young female monsters do at parties?
They go around looking for edible bachelors !
Monster Puns
Monster Pun 1
A monster walked into the council rent office with a $5 note stuck in one ear and a $10 note in the other. You see, he was $15 in arrears.
Monster Pun 2
Boy: Did you know you can get fur from a three headed mountain monster?
Girl: Really? What kind of fur?
Boy: As fur away as possible!
Monster Pun 3
Could you kill a monster just by throwing eggs at him?
Of course, he’d be eggs-terminated.
Monster Pun 4
Did you hear about the monster who had an extra pair of hands?
Where did he keep them?
In a handbag.
Monster Pun 5
Did you hear about the monster who lost all his hair in the war?
He lost it in a hair raid.
Monster Pun 6
Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
His trousers fit him like a glove.
Monster Pun 7
FIRST MONSTER: Am I late for dinner?
SECOND MONSTER: Yes, everyone’s been eaten.
Monster Pun 8
FIRST MONSTER: I fancy eating the city of Hong Kong tonight. Care to join me?
SECOND MONSTER: No thanks, I can’t stand Chinese food.
Monster Pun 9
FIRST MONSTER: I’m going to a party tonight.
SECOND MONSTER: Oh, are you?
FIRST MONSTER: Yes, I must go to the graveyard and dig out a few old friends.
Monster Pun 10
First monster: That pretty girl over there just rolled her eyes at me.
Second monster: Well you’d better roll them back to her, she might need them.
Monster Pun 11
Here’s a good book, said the sales assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster. “How To Help Your Husband Get Ahead.”
No, thank you, said Mrs Monster. My husband’s got two heads already.
Monster Pun 12
How can you tell if a monster has a glass eye?
Because it comes out in conversation
Monster Pun 13
How did the monster cure his sore throat?
He spent all day gargoyling.
Monster Pun 14
How did the world’s tallest monster become short overnight?
Someone stole all his money.
Monster Pun 15
How does a monster begin a fairy tale?
“Once upon a slime…”
Monster Pun 16
If storks bring human babies, what bring monster babies?
Cranes.
Monster Pun 17
Little monster: Mom I’ve finished. Can I leave the table?
Mommy monster: Yes, I’ll save it for your tea.
Monster Pun 18
Mommy monster: Don’t eat that uranium.
Little monster: Why not?
Mommy monster: You’ll get atomic-ache.
Monster Pun 19
On which day do monsters eat people?
Chewsday.
Monster Pun 20
What aftershave do monsters wear?
Brute.
Kids Monster Jokes
Kids Monster Joke 1
Did you hear about the monster who had twelve arms and no legs?
He was all fingers and thumbs.
Kids Monster Joke 2
Did you hear about the monster who went to a holiday camp?
He won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and he wasn’t even entered.
Kids Monster Joke 3
Did you hear the joke about the two monsters who crashed?
They fell off a cliff, boom, boom.
Kids Monster Joke 4
FIRST HUMAN BOY: I can lift a monster with one hand.
SECOND HUMAN BOY: Bet you can’t!
FIRST HUMAN BOY: Find me a monster with one hand and I’ll prove it.
Kids Monster Joke 5
First monster: I have a hunch.
Second monster: I thought you were a funny shape.
Kids Monster Joke 6
How do you address a monster?
Very politely.
Kids Monster Joke 7
How do you stop a monster digging up your garden?
Take his spade away.
Kids Monster Joke 8
How do you stop a monster from smelling?
Cut off his nose.
Kids Monster Joke 9
How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
Kids Monster Joke 10
Little monster: Mom, why can’t we have dustbins like everyone else?
Mother monster: Less talking, more eating please.
Kids Monster Joke 11
Monster: Where do fleas go in winter?
Werewolf: Search me!
Kids Monster Joke 12
MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice to my mother when she visits us this weekend, dear. Fall down when she hits you.
Kids Monster Joke 13
The monster spent a fortune on deodorants before he found out that people didn’t like him anyway.
Kids Monster Joke 14
Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the menu, sir?
Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.
Kids Monster Joke 15
What can a monster do that you can’t do?
Count up to 25 on his fingers.
Kids Monster Joke 16
What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster?
Sir.
Kids Monster Joke 17
What do you get if you cross a monster with a flea?
Lots of very worried dogs.
Kids Monster Joke 18
What does a monster mom say to her kids at dinnertime?
Don’t talk with someone in your mouth.
Kids Monster Joke 19
What should you do if a monster runs through your front door?
Run through the back door.
Kids Monster Joke 20
What’s big and hairy and goes beep beep?
A monster in a traffic jam.
Frankenstein Jokes
Frankenstein Joke 1
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Frankenstein Joke 2
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
Frankenstein Joke 3
Dr Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention?, It’s a new pill consisting of 50 per cent glue and 50 per cent aspirin.
Igor: But What’s it for?
Dr Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
Frankenstein Joke 4
Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when suddenly through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope round his neck.
Frankenstein said, “Monster, monster, what are you doing here?”
The monster said, “Well, boss, they hanged me this morning so now I’ve come to meet my maker.”
Frankenstein Joke 5
Frankenstein: Help, I’ve got a short circuit!
Igor: Don’t worry, I’ll lengthen it.
Frankenstein Joke 6
How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
Frankenstein Joke 7
How did Frankenstein’s monster eat his lunch?
He bolted it down.
Frankenstein Joke 8
How does Frankenstein sit in his chair?
Bolt upright.
Frankenstein Joke 9
Igor: Only this morning Dr Frankenstein completed another amazing operation. He crossed an ostrich with a centipede.
Dracula: And what did he get?
Igor: We don’t know – we haven’t managed to catch it yet.
Frankenstein Joke 10
Monster: Someone told me Dr Frankenstein invented the safety match.
Igor: Yes, that was one of his most striking achievements.
Frankenstein Joke 11
What brings the monster’s babies?
The Frankenstork.
Frankenstein Joke 12
What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish’s brain in the body of his dog?
I don’t know, but it is great at chasing submarines.
Frankenstein Joke 13
What did Frankenstein’s monster say when he was struck by lightning?
Thanks, I needed that.
Frankenstein Joke 14
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
Frankenstein Joke 15
What does Frankenstein’s monster call a screwdriver?
Daddy.
Frankenstein Joke 16
What happened to Frankenstein’s monster on the road?
He was stopped for speeding, fined $50 and dismantled for six months.
Frankenstein Joke 17
What happened to Frankenstein’s stupid son?
He had so much wax in his ears that he became a permanent contributor to Madame Tussuad’s.
Frankenstein Joke 18
What happened when Dr Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
Frankenstein Joke 19
What kind of book did Frankenstein’s monster like to read?
One with a cemetery plot.
Frankenstein Joke 20
What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein
Frankenstein Joke 21
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
Frankenstein Joke 22
What’s the difference between Frankenstein and boiled potatoes?
You can’t mash Frankenstein.
Frankenstein Joke 23
Where does the bride of Frankenstein have her hair done?
At the ugly parlour.
Frankenstein Joke 24
Why did Frankenstein squeeze his girlfriend to death?
He had a crush on her.
Frankenstein Joke 25
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
Good Monster Jokes
Good Monster Joke 1
What does a monster do when he loses his head?
He calls a head hunter.
Good Monster Joke 2
What does a polite monster say when he meets you for the first time?
Pleased to eat you!
Good Monster Joke 3
What does the hungry monster get after he’s eaten too much ice cream?
More ice cream!
Good Monster Joke 4
What happens if a big hairy monster sits in front of you at the movie theater?
You miss most of the film.
Good Monster Joke 5
What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A wash and wear wolf
Good Monster Joke 6
What makes an ideal present for a monster?
Five pairs of gloves one for each hand.
Good Monster Joke 7
What should you call a polite, friendly, kind, good looking monster?
A failure.
Good Monster Joke 8
What would you get if you crossed a monster with a redcoat?
A bigger target.
Good Monster Joke 9
What would you get if you crossed a monster with a Thanksgiving dessert?
Bumpkin pie!
Good Monster Joke 10
What’s big and ugly and drinks out of the wrong side of the glass?
A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.
Good Monster Joke 11
What’s big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has sixteen wheels?
A monster on roller-skates.
Good Monster Joke 12
What’s pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster?
Grandma monster
Good Monster Joke 13
What’s the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle?
The candle is a thousand times brighter!
Funny Monster Puns
Funny Monster Pun 1
What did the big, hairy monster do when he lost a hand?
He went to the second-hand shop.
Funny Monster Pun 2
What did the monster say to his psychiatrist?
I feel abominable.
Funny Monster Pun 3
What do sea monsters have for dinner?
Fish and ships.
Funny Monster Pun 4
What do they have for lunch at Monster School?
Human beans, boiled legs, pickled bunions and eyes-cream.
Funny Monster Pun 5
What do you call a monster with a wooden head?
Edward.
Funny Monster Pun 6
What do you call a monster with two wooden heads?
Edward Woodward.
Funny Monster Pun 7
What do you get if you cross a tall green monster with a fountain pen?
The Ink-credible Hulk.
Funny Monster Pun 8
What happened to Ray when he met the man-eating monster?
He became an ex-Ray.
Funny Monster Pun 9
What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume?
He was convicted of fragrancy.
Funny Monster Pun 10
What is a monster’s favourite drink?
Demonade.
Funny Monster Pun 11
What is a monster’s favourite society?
The Consumers Association.
Funny Monster Pun 12
What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger?
The bogeyman.
Funny Monster Pun 13
What’s a monsters favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet
Funny Monster Pun 14
Where do space monsters live?
In far distant terror-tory.
Funny Monster Pun 15
Why did the monster get a ticket at Thanksgiving dinner?
He was exceeding the feed limit!
Funny Monster Pun 16
Why did the monster go into hospital?
To have his ghoul-stones removed.
Funny Monster Pun 17
Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car?
Because he was a car-case.
Funny Monster Pun 18
Why did the monster take his nose apart?
To see what made it run.
Funny Monster Pun 19
Why is the monsters football pitch wet?
Because the players keep dribbling on it.
Funny Monster Pun 20
Why was the monster standing on his head?
He was turning things over in his mind.
Best Monster Jokes
Best Monster Joke 1
What’s the difference between a monster and a mouse?
A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board.
Best Monster Joke 2
What’s the hardest part of making monster soup?
Stirring it.
Best Monster Joke 3
Where do you find monster snails?
On the end of monsters fingers.
Best Monster Joke 4
Where is the monster’s temple?
On the side of his head.
Best Monster Joke 5
Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
Because if they were small and round and smooth they’d be M&M’s
Best Monster Joke 6
Why are stupid monsters like a Jack-O-Lanterns?
They both have empty heads.
Best Monster Joke 7
Why did the monster drink ten liters of antifreeze?
So that he didn’t have to buy a winter coat.
Best Monster Joke 8
Why did the monster dye her hair yellow?
To see if blondes have more fun.
Best Monster Joke 9
Why did the monster lie on his back?
To trip up low-flying aircraft.
Best Monster Joke 10
Why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colors?
Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.
Best Monster Joke 11
Why did the monster put the cake in the freezer?
Because he had been told to ice it.
Best Monster Joke 12
Why did the monster stop playing with his brother?
He got tired of kicking him around.
Best Monster Joke 13
Why was the big, hairy, two-headed monster top of the class at school?
Because two heads are better than one.
Best Monster Joke 14
How do you communicate with the Loch Ness Monster at 20,000 fathoms?
Drop him a line.
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