Parent Joke 1
Murphy said to his daughter, “I want you home by eleven o clock.” She said, “But Father, I m no longer a child!” He said, “I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.”
Parent Joke 2
With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: “IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.” When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: “MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT OUT OF IT.”
Parent Joke 3
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor queries. “No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her *husband*!”
Parent Joke 4
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
Parent Joke 5
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. “It was enough to make anybody faint,” he said. “My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.”
Parent Joke 6
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: “Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family. But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife. One of the women spoke up immediately. Does she cook???”
Parent Joke 7
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”
Parent Joke 8
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. “Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”
Parent Joke 9
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have Eyes of Blue and A Love Supreme ?” she asked. “Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.” “Is that a record?” she inquired. “I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”
Parent Joke 10
Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions. Son: Father, Can I ask you a question? Father: Ok ask. Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor. Father: !!!??????!!!
Parent Joke 11
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?” Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
Parent Joke 12
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir, you re the father of twins.” “What a coincidence!” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.” The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, “You, sir, are the father of triplets.” “Wow, that’s really an incredible coincidence,” he answered. “I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.” An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. “Don’t tell me another coincidence?” asked the nurse. r\n After finally regaining his composure, he said, “I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.” After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. The nurse asked, “Sir, are you all right?” “Yes” says the man, “I m o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store.”
Parent Joke 13
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother. When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn’t a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid. When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins. He said, “The first one was a girl.” The mother: “What did you name her?!?” Brother: “Denise!” The Mom: “Oh, wow, that’s not bad! What about the second one?” Brother: “The second one was a boy.” The Mom: “Oh, and what did you name him?” Brother: “Denephew.”
Parent Joke 14
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. “Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”
Parent Joke 15
There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn’t stop sucking his thumb, he d get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, “Ah, ha! I know what you’ve been doing!”
Parent Joke 16
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. “The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed. The man sympathized and said: “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.” “You re right,” she said. “I think I ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.” “That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
Parent Joke 17
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.” He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we ll be checking out.” The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we ll be through this ch eck out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.” The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…” The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I m Ellen.”
Parent Joke 18
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. “Everyone knows,” the mother lectured him, “that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.” “Oh really?” said the lifeguard, “from the diving board!?!?”
Parent Joke 19
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I ll bet you re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father. “Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”
Parent Joke 20
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.” The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
Parent Joke 21
A small boy is sent to bed by his father… [Five minutes later] “Da-ad…” “What?” “I m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.” [Five minutes later] “Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?” “I m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??” “I told you NO! If you ask again I ll have to spank you!!” [Five minutes later] “Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…” “WHAT??!!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
Parent Joke 22
Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don’t know son, I m still paying for it.
Parent Joke 23
What do young ghosts call their parents? Deady and Mummy.
Parent Joke 24
When is a parent like a child? When he’s a miner.
Parent Joke 25
What’s another name for an parent? Someone Who’s stopped growing except around the waist.
Parent Joke 26
Why are parents boring? Because they re groan-ups.
Parent Joke 27
What didn’t Adam and Eve have that everyone else has? Parents.
Parent Joke 28
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
Parent Joke 29
When Ben hit his thumb with a hammer he let out a few choice words. Shocked by her son’s outburst, his mother said, “Don’t you dare use that kind of language in here.” “William Shakespeare did,” replied Ben. “Well, you d better stop going around with him,” said Mom.
Parent Joke 30
NEWS ITEM. Kidnappers grabbed a little boy and two days later sent him home with a ransom note. His parents immediately sent the kid back with the money.
Parent Joke 31
Tad looked up from the book on ancient history he was reading and asked his father, “Pop, What’s a millennium?” “Well,” he muttered, “I think it’s something like a centennial, only it has more legs!”
Parent Joke 32
Son: Where are the Himalayas? Father: If you d put things away, you d know where to find them.
Parent Joke 33
Can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse? asked Rupert. “Okay,” replied his father, “but don’t stand too close.”
Parent Joke 34
Father: Don’t you think our son gets his brains from me? Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.
Parent Joke 35
Young Bobby was being fitted for glasses, and his father, standing beside him, said, “Now, remember, son. Don’t wear them when you re not looking at anything.”
Parent Joke 36
Papa, who was Hamlet? “You birdbrain! Bring me the Bible and I ll show you who he was.”
Parent Joke 37
Dad, do you believe in Buddha? “Why, of course, but I think margarine is just as good.”
Parent Joke 38
Dad, why do you write so slow? asked Dennis. “I have to,” replied his father. “I m a slow reader.”
Parent Joke 39
Son: What is an autobiography? Father: Er, the story of an automobile.
Parent Joke 40
Talbot and his son James were called to Mrs. Cren-shaw’s classroom. “Mr. Talbot,” said the teacher, “I asked James Who shot Abraham Lincoln? and he said that he didn’t do it!” “Well, teacher,” said Talbot, “if my kid said he didn’t do it he didn’t do it!” Father and son left the school, and on their way home Talbot turned to the boy and asked, “Tell me, son, did you do it?”
Parent Joke 41
An irate father stormed into the principal’s office. “I demand to know,” he screamed, “why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination.” “Now, don’t get excited,” said the principal. “We ll get your Winslow’s English teacher in here. I m sure she has some explanation.” A few minutes later, the English teacher arrived. “Why did you give Winslow a zero on his English final?” demanded the father. “I had no choice,” said the schoolmarm. “He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.” “That’s no excuse,” shouted the father. “You could have at least given him an A for neatness!”
Parent Joke 42
What are you reading? demanded the father of his seven-year-old. “A story about a cow jumping over the moon,” was the reply. “Throw that book away at once,” he commanded. “How many times have I told you you re too young to read science fiction?”
Parent Joke 43
At dinner, Seth said to his father, “Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it’s all your fault.” “How’s that?” asked the master of the house. “Remember I asked you how much $500,000 was?” “Yeah, I remember.” “Well, a helluva lot ain’t the right answer.”
Parent Joke 44
Down at the office Bostwick boasted to one of his buddies, “My son Arthur is smarter even than Abraham Lincoln. Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn’t say it till he was fifty!”
Parent Joke 45
Honey, said Mrs. Beldon to her husband, “Lester’s teacher says he ought to have an encyclopedia.” “Encyclopedia, my eye!” exclaimed Beldon. “Let him walk to school like I did.”
Parent Joke 46
Son, you sure do ask a lot of questions, said the father. “I d like to know what would have happened if I d asked as many questions when I was a boy.” “Perhaps,” said the boy, “you d’ve been able to answer some of mine.”
Parent Joke 47
Mrs. Filmore returned home from a business trip and asked her husband, “How did Greg do on his history exam?” “Oh, not so good,” he replied. “But it wasn’t his fault. They asked him about things that happened before he was born!”
Parent Joke 48
Dad, said Rickey, “what is electricity?” “Uh,” replied his father, “I don’t really know too much about electricity.” A few minutes later the boy said, “How does gas make the engine go?” “Son, I m afraid I don’t know much about motors.” “Dad,” said the boy, “what is anthropology?” “Anthropology?” The father frowned. “I really don’t know.” “Gee, Dad, I guess I m making a nuisance of myself.” “Not at all, son. If you don’t ask questions, you ll never learn anything.”
Parent Joke 49
Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at the dinner table when the boy suddenly blurted out, “Gee, you re dumb, Mom. You don’t know anything.” “Now, son,” scolded Bentley, “you musn’t be picky about your mother’s little faults.”
Parent Joke 50
During a flood in a small Ohio town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float along with the water, they noticed a baseball cap float by. Suddenly, the cap turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, it turned again and came back. “Do you see that baseball cap?” said the girl. “First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back.” “Oh, that’s my dad,” replied the boy. “This morning he said that come hell or high water, he was going to cut the grass today.”
Parent Joke 51
Old-fashioned Zachary approached Lureen’s father, intent upon asking him for her hand in marriage. “Sir,” he blurted out, “I have an attachment for your daughter, and ” “See here, young man,” interrupted the parent, “when my daughter needs accessories, I ll buy them myself.”
Parent Joke 52
Mrs. Ellis came home from work one evening to find her three-year-old son lighting up a cigar. She raced into the kitchen where her husband was making dinner. “Hey!” she announced. “This is terrible! I just caught Matthew lighting a cigar!” “You put a stop to that right now,” he shouted. “That kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches!”
Parent Joke 53
Did you hear about the little boy who was named after his father ? They called him Dad !
Parent Joke 54
Dad: Why is your January report card so bad ? Son: Well, you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas !
Parent Joke 55
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father’s annoyance. Teddy, he called, how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being. There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. That’s better, said his father. Now will you always come down stairs like that?
Parent Joke 56
Come here, you greedy wretch. I ll teach you to eat all your sister’s birthday chocs. It’s all right Dad, I know how !
Parent Joke 57
Boy: Dad, Dad, come out. My sister’s fighting this ten foot gargoyle with three heads. Dad: No, I m not coming out. She’s going to have to learn to look after herself.
Parent Joke 58
Father: I want to take my girl our of this terrible math class. Teacher: But she’s top of the class. Father: That’s why I think it must be a terrible class.
Parent Joke 59
What do you call a small parent? A minimum !
Parent Joke 60
Girl: Mom, mom a monster’s just bitten my foot off. Mom: Well, keep out of the kitchen, I’ve just washed the floor.
Parent Joke 61
Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m.. Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.
Parent Joke 62
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
Parent Joke 63
Father: ” I know the answer to your bad grades. You re spending too much time watching television.” Son: ” I m sorry, you ll have to phrase that in the form of a question.”
Parent Joke 64
A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to look for things they couldn’t find. Most of the time these items were directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one of her sons remarked: “It’s not my fault, Mom. I don’t have parental vision:”