Sport Joke 1
Where do religious school children practice sports? In the prayground!
Sport Joke 2
How did the basketball court get wet? The players dribbled all over it!
Sport Joke 3
Why did the chicken get sent off? For persistent fowl play!
Sport Joke 4
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game? It was a cup draw!
Sport Joke 5
Where do football directors go when they are fed up? The bored room!
Sport Joke 6
A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club? “Were the crowd not behind you” asked the reporter “They were right behind me all right”, said the manager, “But I managed to shake them off at the station!”
Sport Joke 7
Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat? To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
Sport Joke 8
Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats? They might be cheetahs!
Sport Joke 9
Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player Fan: Why’s that? Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!
Sport Joke 10
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games? So that they can pack the defence!
Sport Joke 11
Where do old bowling balls end up? In the gutter!
Sport Joke 12
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet? Player: I finished it in three days!
Sport Joke 13
What part of a football pitch smells nicest? The scenter spot!
Sport Joke 14
What’s the chilliest ground in the premiership? Cold Trafford!
Sport Joke 15
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle? Somebody took a corner!
Sport Joke 16
Why didn’t the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!
Sport Joke 17
What did they call Dracula when he won the league? The champire!
Sport Joke 18
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply? Paul gas coin!
Sport Joke 19
Manager: I ll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year’s time? Young player: OK, I ll come back in a year’s time!
Sport Joke 20
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom? Captain: Well, it could have been worse. Manager: How? Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
Sport Joke 21
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game? Sorry, it was a freak hic!
Sport Joke 22
Why are football grounds odd? Because you can sit in the stands but can’t stand in the sits!
Sport Joke 23
What do you get if you drop a piano on a team’s defence? A flat back four!
Sport Joke 24
Why did the goal post get angry? Because the bar was rattled!
Sport Joke 25
What is the bank manager’s favourite type of football? Fiver side!
Sport Joke 26
What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms!
Sport Joke 27
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded? Bring on their subs!
Sport Joke 28
Our team is doing so badly that “Manager of the Month” isn’t an award. It’s an appointment!
Sport Joke 29
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding? They got jellygated!
Sport Joke 30
Which insect didn’t play well in goal? The fumble bee!
Sport Joke 31
What did the bumble bee striker say? Hive scored!
Sport Joke 32
What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
Sport Joke 33
What are Brazilian fans called? Brazil nuts!
Sport Joke 34
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? He was the skipper!
Sport Joke 35
How do hens encourage their football teams? They egg them on!
Sport Joke 36
What lights up a football stadium? A football match!
Sport Joke 37
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes!
Sport Joke 38
Why aren’t football stadiums built in outer space? Because there is no atmosphere!
Sport Joke 39
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final? Webley stadium!
Sport Joke 40
When fish play football, who is the captain? The team’s kipper!
Sport Joke 41
Ref: I m sending you off Player: What for? Ref: The rest of the match!
Sport Joke 42
Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market? They tend to go cheep!
Sport Joke 43
What is a goal keepers favourite snack? Beans on post!
Sport Joke 44
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden? Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
Sport Joke 45
What’s tennis players favourite city? Volley wood!
Sport Joke 46
How does a physicist exercise? By pumping ion!
Sport Joke 47
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!
Sport Joke 48
What is a runner’s favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!
Sport Joke 49
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas? Ince pies!
Sport Joke 50
What does a footballer and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!
Sport Joke 51
Which football team loves ice-cream? Aston Vanilla!
Sport Joke 52
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar? All of them, a crossbar can’t jump!
Sport Joke 53
Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches? They prefer cricket matches!
Sport Joke 54
What stories are told by basketball players? Tall stories!
Sport Joke 55
Who won the race between two balls of string? They we re tied!
Sport Joke 56
Why are football players never asked for dinner? Because they re always dribbling!
Sport Joke 57
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear? Because he liked sole music!
Sport Joke 58
What tea do footballers drink? Penaltea!
Sport Joke 59
Where do footballers dance? At a football!
Sport Joke 60
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. “I was the James Bond type of player,” he told his friends. “I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.” “Batted .007,” his wife added.
Sport Joke 61
A true story, according to the LA Times….. Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, “Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?” Wilkins replied, “I don’t know and I don’t care!”
Sport Joke 62
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors favor, the home quarterback blew his top. How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.” The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!” The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, “And how do I smell from here?”
Sport Joke 63
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ________.” Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.” “Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny’s should er again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?” “You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”
Sport Joke 64
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself “what a waste” he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, “Is this seat taken?” The man replied, “This was my wife’s seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan.” The other man replied,”I m so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn’t give the ticket to a friend or a relative?” The man replied, “They re all at the funeral.”
Sport Joke 65
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. “Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.” “I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”
Sport Joke 66
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. “I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” she said. “What do you mean?” he asked. “Well, everyone kept yelling, Get the quarter back! ‘
Sport Joke 67
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. “So, how did you do son?” he asked. “You ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!” “Really? How d you do that?” “I dropped the ball.”
Sport Joke 68
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out “Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup.” Snow White says “Well at least Dopey’s alive!”
Sport Joke 69
Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb? A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
Sport Joke 70
Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today. “I ll do anything for 3 points”, he said when questioned.
Sport Joke 71
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight? A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
Sport Joke 72
Tyson’s psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood….good thing he didn’t say two!
Sport Joke 73
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training? A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
Sport Joke 74
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, Who’s driving? A: The police.
Sport Joke 75
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.” The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. “Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus. “Second?!!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!” “No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”
Sport Joke 76
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked. “Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.” “Oh, that’s awful!” “You re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”
Sport Joke 77
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!”, he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!” Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!” Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Sport Joke 78
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. “Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t? she asked the instructor. “P-u-t-t is correct, he replied. “Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”
Sport Joke 79
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. “Is that so?” the first said. “Did he do a good job?” “Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot,” he said. “The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That,” he added, “was the first time in two years my teeth didn’t hurt.”
Sport Joke 80
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?” “Yes,” the golfer responded. “Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?” “Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked. “Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?” The golfer thought it over carefully and responded… “I think I ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”
Sport Joke 81
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I d hit the ball right over that tree.” With that chal lenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”
Sport Joke 82
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!” The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?” “It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!” “Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?” “No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.” “Well, what if you hit it into the woods?” “Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.” “Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?” “No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!” The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?” “I found it.”
Sport Joke 83
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, What’s with that group ahead of us? They re rather slow, aren’t they? George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there
Sport Joke 84
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is. “Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress,” complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around. Joe asked “What’s wrong?” It’s a small, small world Joe, and you re fired”
Sport Joke 85
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, “Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?” “Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!”
Sport Joke 86
How was your golf game, dear? asked Jack’s wife Tracy. “Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad, I couldn’t see where the ball went.” “You re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife. “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?” “But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack. “Yes, but he’s got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you,” Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Did you see where it went?” asked Jack. “Yup,” Scott answered. “Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. “I forgot.”
Sport Joke 87
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!” The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?” “It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!” “Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?” “No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.” “Well, what if you hit it into the woods?” “Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.” “Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?” “No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!” The golfer buys it at once . “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?” “Ummm, I found it.”
Sport Joke 88
Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I m going to go drown myself in that lake.” Caddy: “I doubt you could keep your head down that long.”
Sport Joke 89
Golfer: “I d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.” Caddy: “Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Sport Joke 90
Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before! Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, sir.”
Sport Joke 91
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think my game is improving?” Caddy: “Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”
Sport Joke 92
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!” Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, sir, its a compass!”
Sport Joke 93
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?” Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin any day of the week!”
Sport Joke 94
Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.” Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”
Sport Joke 95
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.” Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”
Sport Joke 96
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?” Caddy: “Eventually.”
Sport Joke 97
What does a basketball player do before he blows out his candles? He makes a swish!
Sport Joke 98
What part of a football pitch smells nicest ? The scenter spot !
Sport Joke 99
What’s the chilliest ground in the premiership ? Cold Trafford !
Sport Joke 100
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle ? Somebody took a corner !
Sport Joke 101
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply ? Paul gas coin !
Sport Joke 102
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas ? Ince pies !
Sport Joke 103
What does a footballer and a magician have in common ? Both do hat tricks !
Sport Joke 104
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear ? Because he liked sole music !
Sport Joke 105
What tea do footballers drink ? Penaltea !
Sport Joke 106
Where do footballers dance ? At a football !
Sport Joke 107
What did the bumble bee striker say ? Hive scored !
Sport Joke 108
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch ? He was the skipper !
Sport Joke 109
What lights up a football stadium ? A football match !
Sport Joke 110
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls ? Cornflakes !
Sport Joke 111
What is a goal keepers favourite snack ? Beans on post !
Sport Joke 112
How do hens encourage their football teams ? They egg them on !
Sport Joke 113
Why didn’t the dog want to play football ? It was a boxer !
Sport Joke 114
Which insect didn’t play well in goal ? The fumble bee !
Sport Joke 115
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ? Webley stadium !
Sport Joke 116
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ? Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !
Sport Joke 117
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games ? So that they can pack the defence !
Sport Joke 118
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game ? It was a cup draw !
Sport Joke 119
Where do football directors go when they are fed up ? The bored room !
Sport Joke 120
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet ? Player: I finished it in three days !
Sport Joke 121
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom ? Captain: Well, it could have been worse. Manager: How ? Captain: There could have been more teams in the league !
Sport Joke 122
Why are football grounds odd ? Because you can sit in the stands but can’t stand in the sits !
Sport Joke 123
Why did the goal post get angry ? Because the bar was rattled !
Sport Joke 124
What is the bank manager’s favourite type of football ? Fiver side !
Sport Joke 125
What part of a football ground is never the same ? The changing rooms !
Sport Joke 126
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded ? Bring on their subs !
Sport Joke 127
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding ? They got jellygated !
Sport Joke 128
Ref:I m sending you off Player: What for ? Ref: The rest of the match !
Sport Joke 129
Why do artists never win when they play football ? They keep drawing !
Sport Joke 130
What is a runner’s favourite subject in school ? Jog-raphy !
Sport Joke 131
What stories are told by basketball players ? Tall stories !
Sport Joke 132
Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Sport Joke 133
Q: What’s the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? A: One’s a glueless kit and the other’s a clueless git!
Sport Joke 134
How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.
Sport Joke 135
Did you hear about the underwater snooker player? He was a pool shark!
Sport Joke 136
Q: What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! “Damn.” A bad skydiver goes, “Damn.” WHACK!
Sport Joke 137
Q: What did the football say to the football player? A: I get a kick out of you.
Sport Joke 138
Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, “Hey look at this great ball!” Tom replied, “What’s so great about it?” Bob said, “Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!” “Wow!”, said Tom, “Where did you get that from?” Bob replied, “I found it.”