Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years… chatting, and enjoying each other’s friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, “Please don”t be angry with me, dear, […]

Divorce Joke 1 A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” […]

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Banana.

A bear and a rabbit was in the woods pooping the bear looks over at the rabbit and says excue me you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?? the rabbit says no why? and the bear picked him up and whipped his butt with him. bear and the rabbit joket Submitted by anon

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?” The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.” […]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor a few weeks before Christmas. She gets into the tattooists chair and tells the tattoo artist, “I want two Christmas tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other.” The tattoo artist begins his work, […]

A guy walks into a dentist’s office and flops right down on the couch. “Doc”, he says, “Here’s the problem. I think I’m a moth” “Well”, says the doctor, “That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist’s office?” “The light was on.”

The Ultimate Collection of 644 Chuck Norris Jokes, if you know of more please post them at the bottom. 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year. 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths. 70% of […]

Yo Mama’s So Dirty Joke 01 Yo mama’s so dirty she has to creep up on the bath water. Yo Mama’s So Dirty Joke 02 Yo mama’s so dirty she lost 2 stone after taking a shower Yo Mama’s So Dirty Joke 03 Yo mama’s so dirty that even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered. […]

Chuck Norris Joke 1 Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence. Chuck Norris Joke 2 Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven. Chuck Norris Joke 3 Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover. Chuck Norris Joke 4 […]

Osama Bin Laden Joke 1 According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay. —Jay Leno Osama Bin Laden Joke 2 Allied forces have hit all […]

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It's a lot of money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. […]

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, “I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order”. The second surgeon said, “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order”. The third surgeon said, “I […]

A sexually frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week to see if their sex life had improved. That night, the wife popped one viagra pill in her husband's food and […]

wanna know what Obama stands for. OBAMA= One Big Ass Mistake America. Obama Joke Submitted by mary

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand. She rolled her eyes and said, “There comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he’ll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with […]

Whats the white house and the zoo have in common? The zoo has a African lion and the white house has a lion African :) White house political joke Submitted by mary

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange. The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven’t ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says […]

Q: What do you do to an elephant with three balls? A: Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros!

Cowboy Joke 1 The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up […]

A boy who is a massive football fan wants to buy his favourite teams football shirt, but has no money. He borrows £25 from his Mum and £25 off his Dad, borrowing £50 in total. The team football shirt costs £47, so he is given £3 change. He gives £1 to his Mum and £1 […]

A guy runs into a bar and says, “Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!” So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch Whiskey and watches this guy down one after the other. “Man,” the bartender says, “I’ve never seen anyone drink shots that fast!” “You’d drink them that […]

President George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant. A group of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the croud shouted, “Hey look that elephant has two assholes on it!” President Bush and Cheney looked down at the elephants ass, confused.

Dinosaur Joke 1 Q: Why doesn’t the dinosaur cross the road anymore? A: Because their eggs stink. (They re extinct) Dinosaur Joke 2 Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks! Dinosaur Joke 3 Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? A: Down in the mouth! […]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not […]

A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself […]

A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “You shouldn’t be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal.” The pirate says, “Arr, it’s ok, he’s had his shots.” Then the bartender says, “I was talking to the parrot!”

A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, “What seems to be the problem?” The patient answers, “Doctor, Doctor You have to promise not to laugh.” The doctors said fine, and the patient pulls down his pants and the doctor tried not […]

Funny Emo Joke 1 An emo kid, a Jew, a Mexican, and a black guy jump off a building, who wins? Society. Funny Emo Joke 2 Did you hear about that new emo pizza? It cuts itself! Funny Emo Joke 3 Drive an emo insane: Put ’em in a round room and tell them to […]

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash […]