A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Maria said, “My family went to the Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.” The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word “fascinate.`” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to Magic Kingdom. I […]

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, “You wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?” The person replies, “I am 240 pounds, world kick boxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend […]

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it takes five sessions.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. “Aha,” says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.” “Hmm,” says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black.” “No,” says the mathematician, “All we know is that […]

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went to a bar. The men at the bar wanted to know what he would like in a woman. He pointed to his head. His friend explained that he wanted a smart woman. Then, he rubbed his thumb on the palm of his hand. His […]

Sex jokes, not suitable for young children. Sex Joke 1 A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through […]

Frog Joke 1 A librarian was quietly working when three chickens walked in and jumped on to the counter eyed her and said “BUK BUK BUK” Not sure she was sane she gave the chikens three books and they left. An hour later in walked the chickens again jumped onto the counter, returned the books […]

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words ‘defeat,’ ‘deduct,’ ‘defense,’ and ‘detail.’ Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply: ”Defeat of deduct went […]

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits them — with a priest in the truck, […]

Ghost Joke 1 How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a living? By appearing in television spooktaculars. Ghost Joke 2 What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost. Fasten your sheet belt. Ghost Joke 3 What do you call a ghost that stays out all night? Afresh air freak. Ghost Joke 4 Why […]

Funny Law 1 Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Funny Law 2 Bell’s Theorem: As soon as the body is immersed fully in the bathtub, the telephone will ring. Funny Law 3 Breda’s Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the […]

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, […]

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, “Hey you look just like me!” The other man agrees and asks, “Where are you from?” The first guy answers, “Chicago.” “Me too!” says the second guy, […]

E-Mail Joke 1 Why couldn’t the alligator send e-mails on his PC? Because it was on old croc. E-Mail Joke 2 Why couldn’t the apple send an e-mail to the orange? Because the lime was engaged. E-Mail Joke 3 Why didn’t the internit get any e-mail? Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman. E-Mail Joke […]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?” The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I […]

Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner – so she went looking for it.

Why do hipsters have such a hard time with karate? They cant get past the white belt.

Bath Joke 1 How do vampire football players get the mud off? They all get in the bat-tub. Bath Joke 2 Which villains steal soap from the bath? Robber ducks. Bath Joke 3 Boy: Dad, dad, there’s a spider in the bath. Dad: What’s wrong with that? You’ve seen spiders before. Boy: Yes, but this […]

– If the enemy is in range, so are you. – Incoming fire has the right of way. – Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire. – There is always a way. – The easy way is always mined. – Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. – Professionals are predictable, it’s the […]

Turning 40 Joke 01 “Doctor, I got heartburn when I ate my 40th birthday cake.” Next time, take off the candles.” Turning 40 Joke 02 “I guess I didn’t get my 40th birthday wish.” “How do you know?” “You’re still here!” Turning 40 Joke 03 “I’m giving a ‘surprised’ 40th birthday party for you.” “A […]

Coach Jones called the young lad in from center field during a Little League game for a conference. “See here Larry,” said the coach, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You also know we don’t tolerate temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do I make myself […]

Zodiac Joke 1 Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh? Zodiac Joke 2 Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Arians aren’t afraid of the dark. Zodiac Joke 3 Q: How many Arians […]

Why did God create economists? To make weathermen look good!

History Joke 1 Woman: Why are you begging for a quarter? Beggar: I didn’t think someone like you would give me a dollar. History Joke 2 What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays. History Joke 3 What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving? […]

A magazine recently ran a “funny management quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dysfunctional managers. Here are the top ten finalists: Funny Management Quote 01 “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and […]

Yo mama so fat she needed cheat codes for the wii fit! WII Fit Cheat Codes Joke Submitted by Ian

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” said the student. “And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. “Elation,” she […]

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” says the mother mouse to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”

Easter Joke 1 What is the Easter Bunny’s favourite state capital? Albunny, New York! Easter Joke 2 What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general? Napoleon Bunnyparte! Easter Joke 3 Where did the Easter Bunny go to college? Johns Hopkins! Easter Joke 4 Did you hear about the […]

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff “miss” him. Most people are writing […]