Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.” The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”

“Can you tie a knot?” “I cannot.” “So you can knot?” “No, I cannot knot.” “Not knot?” “Who’s there?” “Fuck off!” Tie a Knot Joke Submitted by Knot My Name

A cop pulls over a drunk driver and asks for his drivers licence. The drunk driver says, “Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my drivers license, but you took it away yesterday!”

My brother Sean stopped by a sandwich shop one afternoon and placed his order with the girl at the counter. She rattled off a list of condiments, but he stopped her when she asked if he wanted white cheese or yellow. “What’s the difference?” Sean asked. “Hello?” replied the girl, sighing and rolling her eyes. […]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw […]

One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knew that he had an ''advanced'' vocabulary for his age, so she was trying to avoid calling on him. When the teacher asked for a word beginning with “A”, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher knew he would say “ass” so she called […]

Who doesn’t like to see a good face plant :-) Not aware of what a faceplant is, it’s when someone falls over and lands on their face. AKA the face plant. I’ve scoured Youtube (also known as typing Face Plant into Youtube search facility) and here’s what I found… Hilarious Face Plant Videos Face Plants […]

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media and publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the Democrats.

A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can''t make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find […]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, […]

Three guys are in a strip club. One guy walks over to a stripper, licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks it to one side of her butt. The next guy doesn’t want to be shown up so he takes a 100 dollar bill, licks it, and sticks it to the other side of her […]

An asian guy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the guy sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the guy […]

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him. He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him […]

Yo mama so stupid I told her to kill the lights and she shot them. yo mama so stupid joke Submitted by Jirayut

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?” “I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.” “I did alright,” the drunk says with […]

Two dumb blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while. Then one of the girls had […]

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of “Anguished English.” Newspaper Blooper 1 A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday. Newspaper Blooper 2 A purple lady’s bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently. Newspaper Blooper 3 […]

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played […]

Sport Joke 1 Where do religious school children practice sports? In the prayground! Sport Joke 2 How did the basketball court get wet? The players dribbled all over it! Sport Joke 3 Why did the chicken get sent off? For persistent fowl play! Sport Joke 4 Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery […]

Dirty Joke 1 An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!” “I m sorry,” The girl tells him. “We can’t allow […]

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common? Both offer very little support!

Yo MaMMa So Dumb I told her to call my cell phone number she put three minutes on the microwave. Yo MaMMa So Dumb Joke Submitted by Madeostoes

Blind Joke 1 One day two blind men started fighting. Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them. Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out “I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.” Both men ran away. Blind Joke 2 Q: Why don’t blind people skydive? A: It scares the heck out […]

Bed Joke 1 Who stole the sheets from the bed? Bed buglars. Bed Joke 2 What should you do if you find a snake in your bed? Sleep in the wardrobe. Bed Joke 3 What do you call a python with a great bedside manner? A snake charmer. Bed Joke 4 What should you do […]

The travelin’ Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and after several rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had. Later, they retired to his room, naturally the largest in the hotel. As they undressed, he said, “I’m from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have the biggest of everything.” The girl only nodded […]

Dec 25 My dearest darling Edward, What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving, Emily Dec. 26 Beloved Edward, The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as […]

Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger? Son: I start cleaning toilet Dad: How does that satisfy you? Son: I clean it with your toothbrush

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down […]

Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn’t […]

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The […]