What two things in the air can make a women pregnant? Her feet!

The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying across the ocean when the plane developed engine trouble. Everyone was doomed. The priest turned to the rabbi and said, “Before I die there’s something that I would like to know. You being Jewish and all — have you ever tasted ham?” “Well,” the rabbi […]

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows, Work = Power * Time Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have: […]

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest senator and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course; the other three don’t exist.

What do you call a person who likes to hang around with musicians? A drummer.

Some of these are hilarious, a must read. AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to eat strained beets. ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets […]

Spelling Joke 1 Please, ma”am! How do you spell ichael? The teacher was rather bewildered. “Don’t you mean Michael?” she asked. “No, ma am. I’ve written the M already.” Spelling Joke 2 School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to spell it. Spelling Joke 3 How do you […]

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in. “Son! If you masturbate too much, you’re gonna go blind!” “Dad,” the boy said, “I’m over here.”

Q. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A. One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish! Q. What is the difference between a bearded lawyer and a catfish? A. One’s slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me I’m going in. Condom joke Submitted by Trevor

An Irishman Tim O’Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw […]

Humor Joke 1 How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You pokemon Humor Joke 2 Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting […]

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!” The plumber waited for him to finish and […]

If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how […]

Rabbit Joke 1 A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the bee turned around and flew away. Why? The rabbit had two b’s already. Rabbit Joke 2 Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from? Mother Rabbit: I ll tell you when you re older. Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now. Mother […]

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty, four wheel drive vehicles.” “She did,” he replied. “But where am I going to find an imitation Jeep?”

How can you tell if there is an Emo kid locked in your garage? Because you can hear your car engine running and you can’t find your water hose! Emo in a garage joke Submitted by kabogga

Funny Animal Joke 1 A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. Funny Animal Joke 2 Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. Funny Animal Joke 3 An aquarium is […]

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles. ”We’re lost!” One of the hikers complained. ”And you said you were the best guide in the United States.” ”I am,” the guide answered, ” but I think […]

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to […]

A boy told his mom, “I couldn’t sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?” His mom shocked that her son had seen his parents having sex quickly said, “Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him.” The boy replied, “Oh then you’re […]

A husband and wife are watching “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,” and the husband winks and says, “Honey, let’s go upstairs…” The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no. So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?” The wife says yes. The husband says, “Well, can I phone […]

A teenage girl shopped at the mall and stopped at the perfume counter. She sees, “My Sin”, “Desire”, and “Ecstasy”. She says to the salesperson, “I don’t want to get emotionally involved…I just want to smell nice.”

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept. Inspires the cooperation […]

Letter Joke 59 Crazy Aunt Maud received a letter one morning, and upon reading it burst into floods of tears. “What’s the matter?” asked her companion. “Oh dear,” sobbed Auntie, “It’s my favorite nephew. He’s got three feet.” “Three feet?” exclaimed her friend. “Surely that’s not possible?” “Well,” said Auntie, “his mother’s just written to […]

A teacher asks her students if they’re Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. “Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?” “The Red Sox.” “Why’s that?” “Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I’m a Red Sox fan too.” “That’s not a good answer, Bobby. If […]

One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein, US Ambassador to Spain Eduardo Aguirre, and television’s Tony Danza were on a jungle vacation together when they were caught by a tribal group. Before they were about to be executed, they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for mercy. She said, ”Get me something good to eat. […]

A politician is walking home late at night. As he turns the corner, he is stopped by a mugger who shouts, “Give me all your money!”. The politician replies, “Watch yourself, you don’t know who you’re talking to; I am an important politician”. The mugger says, “Oh sorry, give me all my money.” Politician Money […]

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect vehicle crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, “Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We […]

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ”I’m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.” The man was very upset […]