Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache […]

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering out a local bar, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with […]

Criminal Joke 1 Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was […]

Funny Phrase 1 All men are idiots, I married their king. Funny Phrase 2 Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Funny Phrase 3 Don’t drink and drive, You might hit a bump and spill your drink. Funny Phrase 4 Hang up and drive. Funny Phrase 5 Hard work has a future payoff. […]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’ The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.’ The third surgeon says, ‘No, I […]

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting to discus weight loss. The director of the group said, “Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine.” Several fat people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously over weight members said, “I eat moderately, I drink […]

Funny Irish Joke 01 Finnegin: Me wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it. Sean: What on earth is she doin’ at that time? Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home. Funny Irish Joke 02 First Irish Farmer: “My cow fell down a […]

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ”Yes, I […]

Q: What''s the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist? A: One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?” The man in the car says “I found them. I asked myself what to do […]

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won’t be able to go to work. Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ”Are you really going to let him get away with this?” ”No, […]

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time […]

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, “George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” Washington advises, and then fades away… The next […]

T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear The old […]

Hunting Joke 1 An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break […]

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall […]

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a […]

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side. She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, “Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest.” “But honey,” she whispered, “I need to make a confession before I die… I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father.” “Don't […]

How is a soy-burger like a dildo? They’re both substitutes for meat.

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he […]

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as […]

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when it suddenly stepped on a thorn, wedging it between its toes. Being in too much pain to continue, the elephant lay down and began to cry. Shortly after, an ant came across the elephant and asked why she was crying. “I have a thorn in […]

This dumb blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along. The guy asks, ”What are you carrying?” ”Melons,” the dumb blonde replies. ”Cool,” the guy says. “If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?” The dumb blonde giggles and says, ”If you can […]

A man went over to his girl’s place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom — gold, silver, or bronze. “Silver,” she said. “Why not gold?” “Because I want you to come second for once!”

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, “St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with […]

Funny Medical Chart Notes 1 Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. Funny Medical Chart Notes 2 Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. Funny Medical Chart Notes 3 Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. Funny Medical Chart Notes 4 On the second day, the […]

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: “Hello? Oh, […]

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. “Owch!” the Chinese man says. “What was that for?” “That was for Pearl Harbor,” the Jewish man says. “But I’m Chinese!” “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?” And the […]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. […]

My husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that would match the color of his eyes. Does anyone know where I can buy a bloodshot tie?