A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. […]

What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man? You can enjoy all but the head. What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man? They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this. What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man? They both get hot […]

What do you call a poodle with no legs? A sponge.

A man visits the doctor’s because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient. Doctor: “It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this […]

“Big scandal on the new ‘Survivor’ series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team.” –Jay Leno “The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada’s Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It’s gotta be awkward […]

Restaurant Joke 1 A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” […]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his […]

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.” From out in the audience a man shouts, “You lying bastard!” “Silence in the court!” the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy […]

Various Animal Joke 1 What do you call a gigantic polar bear? Nothing, you just run away! Various Animal Joke 2 What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ? A little bear ! Various Animal Joke 3 A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a […]

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon. All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks, “Mind if I ask why’d ya kiss your horse on the butt?” The cowboy says, “It’s ’cause I got […]

Chat Up Line Joke 01 I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I’m good at telling lies! Chat Up Line Joke 02 I see your face when I am dreaming, That’s why I always wake up screaming. Chat Up Line Joke 03 I want to feel your sweet embrace, But don’t take […]

yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired Yo mama so old joke Submitted by lucy

whats the difference in a seagull and a babys diaper? a seagull flits across the shore and a baby shits across the floor Seagull and a babys diaper joke Submitted by Macca5

Blonde Joke 1 A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee’s well being, asks sympathetically, “What’s the matter?” The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.” “I m terribly sorry to hear that. Why don’t you […]

A Amish boy and his pa were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again, like by magic. The lad asked, “What is this, pa?” The father (having never seen an lift) responded, “I have no idea.” While […]

Elevator Joke 1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!” Elevator Joke 2. Whistle the first seven notes of “It's a Small World” incessantly. Elevator Joke 3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?” Elevator Joke […]

There were two security guards who worked on opposite shifts, but looked after the same building. Over a period of a year, the night shift security guard noticed that his opposite was putting on weight. So one evening at shift change, the night shift security guard says to the day shift security guard “Hey buddy, […]

Church Joke 01 Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do. Church Joke 02 Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew. Church Joke 03 I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before! Church Joke 04 I volunteer to be the permanent […]

Yo mama so fat when she broke her arm gravy poured out! Yo mama so fat joke Submitted by Ian

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely. The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had […]

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary in Ireland was dying. The Irish nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received […]

Jimmy’s mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football game. “Talk to your son,” she said. “He refuses to obey a word I say.” The father turned to Jimmy angrily. “Jimmy, how dare you disobey your mother. Do you think you’re better than your old man?”

Beauty Joke 1 My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion. Maybe that is why she always looks so sour. Beauty Joke 2 I m not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased! But that’s the problem – you don’t please anyone. Beauty Joke 3 Fred: What’s that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders? Harry: […]

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit’s end as to what to […]

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Cletus took Maynard to his first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s Bench. After the game, Cletus asked Maynard how he liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” he replied, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, Cletus asked, “What do you […]

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a blankety-blank checking account” To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?” “Listen up darn it, I said I want to open a blankety-blank checking account right now.” “Sir, I’m sorry but […]

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the dumb rowing blonde, “What do you think you’re doing? It’s things like […]

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing. Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath. In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, “If […]

“What happened?” asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. “Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the […]