Top Chuck Norris Joke 1
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 2
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 3
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 4
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 5
A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his *** twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false – no one could survive it the first time.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 6
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay’s potato chips, saying “Betcha can’t eat just one!” Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 7
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer
Top Chuck Norris Joke 8
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 9
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 10
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 11
Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 12
Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 13
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 14
Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 15
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 16
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 17
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 18
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 19
Chuck Norris invented the beard.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 20
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football– in that order.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 21
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 22
Chuck Norris invented water.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 23
Chuck Norris is “The best a man can get”
Top Chuck Norris Joke 24
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot — and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 25
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But Chuck Norris isn’t black”, then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 26
Chuck Norris just says “no” to drugs. If he said “yes”, it would collapse Colombia’s infrastructure.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 27
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 28
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, “You want fries with that” because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn’t ever want fries with anything. Ever.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 29
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know – Except for the definition of mercy.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 30
Chuck Norris knows the last two digits of Pi
Top Chuck Norris Joke 31
Chuck Norris let the dogs out
Top Chuck Norris Joke 32
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 33
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 34
Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 35
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 36
Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
Top Chuck Norris Joke 37
Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 38
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 39
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 40
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 41
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
Top Chuck Norris Joke 42
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows – A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 43
Chuck Norris penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 44
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 45
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 46
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 47
Chuck Norris pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 48
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 49
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 50
Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 51
Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footed destroyed Jonathan Brandis’ Career.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 52
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 53
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 54
Chuck Norris uses 8’x10′ sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 55
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 56
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)
Top Chuck Norris Joke 57
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 58
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 59
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 60
Coroners refer to dead people as “ABC’s”. Already Been Chucked.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 61
Count from one to ten. That’s how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you…Forty seven times.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 62
Crime does not pay – unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 63
Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 64
Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 65
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 66
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 67
If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
Top Chuck Norris Joke 68
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 69
If you’re driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 70
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 71
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 72
The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
Top Chuck Norris Joke 73
The word ‘Kill’ was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were ‘Die’, ‘Beer’, and ‘What’.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 74
The world’s fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 75
There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 76
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 77
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 78
When Chuck Norris found this web-site while surfing the Internet, he round house kicked his computer…10 new facts were added instantly.including this one
Top Chuck Norris Joke 79
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 80
When Chuck Norris goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 81
When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn’t get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrised.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 82
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 83
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 84
When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn’t have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 85
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 86
When Chuck Norris has sex with men, it is not because he is gay, but because he has ran out of women.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 87
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 88
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 89
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 90
When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don’t say “Achoo” he says “DIE EVERYONE!!!”. That’s what happens next.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 91
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
Top Chuck Norris Joke 92
When Chuck Norris talks to a Russian He doesn’t speak Russian. The Russian, speaks Chuck Norris
Top Chuck Norris Joke 93
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 94
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 95
Whoever said “only the good die young” was probably in Chuck Norris’s kindergarten class.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 96
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 97
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: “Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris”
Top Chuck Norris Joke 98
You are what you eat. Chuck Norris eats steel.
Top Chuck Norris Joke 99
You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris
Top Chuck Norris Joke 100
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
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